Education Through Imagination

I seriously can't understand the way that some people process their thoughts. I understand that everyone has a different way of doing that task and usually it differs between the genders. Today however I am puzzled by the thoughts and actions of some gals. Things happen in life that just some what create a "hiccup." Hiccups are always unexpected, you can't predict them they just happen and you have to deal with it. I think that is the best way to explain what is going on.

People challenge each other daily, thats how we work, thats how we grow. Sometimes I find it hard however to see the growth or to view a situation in the light of it being a growing opportunity. It seems to me that the challenges we face are within the areas of our life we feel most confident. Right now that is my education class and my relationship.

The hardest part I feel is the truth that I cannot control other people. I can only control myself. I am finding myself having to look at situations that seem to be a simple thing and look at them in a deep and complex way, or a new light. Each day is a challenge. I wake up every morning feeling the weight and extreme stress of the day ahead of me. The unfortunate truth is that I cannot see past the day I am living in. There are so many things that are due, people to talk to, tasks to complete, emails to send, homework to finish that I have to live hour by hour. Yet in the back of my mind the next day's stress is already looming inside of me. So when these hiccups occur my stress goes through the roof and I find myself getting lost in my day and feeling completely spent. The good news is...5 weeks until Christmas break. Praise the Lord.

Poem from September 2008

Having a view from above can change everything,
What is seen before us suddenly seems small.
A road block becomes a dot.
A person becomes a figure.
A problem becomes a leaf quickly blown away.

A new view of the things seen daily,
Makes the view wider, larger, and vast.
Observing while someone thinks they're invisable.
Watching the steady steps of confidence,
Or the slow scuffs of discouragement.

The looks of lonliness, without the knowledge of watchful eyes.
We always walk looking straight ahead.
We never think to look up,
And realize someone is watching the path you're walking.

Time

It is something that I lose track of all the time yet am completely aware of at all times. I know from day to day how much time I have to do something or get somewhere. However, at the same time my mind is puzzled and baffled at the time that is to come. I think about the future and wonder what is in front of me that I can't see yet. I feel the pressures to complete things quickly with the fear of running out of time. A year is a long time, but when you are wrapped up in things that only last a year...that time is nothing. Time is just something on my mind that I struggle with.

I think it's time for an update

Clearly my life has continued on since my last blog a few months ago. I guess now would be a good time for me to catch up what has been going on for the past 2 months. I somehow by the grace of God made it through camp this summer. Camp was something that I went into this summer thinking that it would be a breeze and totally fun, when the truth is that it was one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. Every single day I woke up and had to rely on God's wisdom and strength. There were days when I had an amazing morning with my girls, and by the afternoon I would have to walk away from them and remind myself that they are someones child and a child of God, so I need to love them as he would. There was a week when I had a fever and still did every single activity with my campers. I had a lot of family issues this summer and I never let that stop me from teaching them the word of God. Looking back on this summer, I know that God had me there for a purpose. I learned so many lessons that my brain and heart can't even account for all of them at once. I truly started to learn what I means to rely on God, and really do Kingdom work for Him. It was amazing when there were weeks that I had the opportunity to talk to my campers about God and assist them in accepting Christ. Those were the moments that I look back on and I get a smile on my face knowing that these girls lives are going to be totally different from that moment on. I also got a taste of really spending time with kids and getting into their lives. It is helping me with discover if teaching is really what God wants me to do.

After I made it back from camp more than happy to be home, a matter of days later I was back here on campus getting into PA training. PA training was an amazing experience. I am so glad that I got to be a camp counselor this summer because in a lot of ways it helped me prepare for what I was coming into with being a PA this year. I was a little nervous coming into training and having one good friend with me. But as I soon learned being a PA was right where I belong. I already have friendships developing that are wonderful and being a PA is like something I was designed for. I love this job, its not even a job it is just amazing.

Going on to school, I am really shocked at how hard it has been for me so far, and it has only been two weeks. Last week I had a complete panic attack, no breathing, almost passed out, and was just completely overwhelmed. My classes are just a whole new world from what they were last year, and I am still trying to get into a schedule that will be amazing. Also everyone needs to get to know Jesse Spicer. Love of my life.

Children make writing a blog difficult

It has been awhile since I have been able to blog, or for that fact actually think about my own life and not if someone needs to go to the bathroom or has gotten their meds for bedtime. Being a camp counselor I guess has had it's benefits and such but it really is a difficult job. You have to be a parent to 12 kids that aren't yours, love them even though they can be annoying and spread God's word in a way that doesn't scare them. There have been a lot of moments where I have really been tested and there have been a lot more moments where I have learned so much that I couldn't be happier.

This would be my 3 week of being here and actually doing my job, but it really has seen like an eternity at times. Each day is planned out for every 15 minutes and I get 2 hours a day to myself (kinda). It really stinks when you have to wait for your break to come to go to the bathroom because you plain and simple just don't have the time. I have gotten to know about 30 girls so far and it really has been amazing. 8 of my campers ask Christ into their hearts and that to say the least was an amazing experience. Most of the time when it happened I really didn't think it was going to at all, but God was working when I had no idea. That is really one of the only things that keeps me going. I know why I am here now, God sent me here to use me as a tool so that I could do the work that he has placed before me. He has also shown me so many new things and it is SO amazing. I love everything that He is doing in my life.

We're floatin like a bubble

On monday I had a movie due back at blockbuster at noon. So I woke up early with ever intention of returning it on time. But that just didn't happen. After that I decided that there was no point to rush and get it back so I took my sweet time getting ready. I got up that morning and just really wanted to spend time with God. I grabbed my Bible and devotional and when i looked at the cover of my devotional I noticed for the first time that it says "youth devotional". So I opened it up and the first page read that this book was given to me in 2001.....7 years ago. As I flipped through the pages to the right day I saw that almost every page was highlighted and had notes and when I got to the right day it was already highlighted and when I started to read I realized that I remember this lesson. At that point I said to myself....I think it's time for a new one. I went into town to the family christian bookstore and no joke, sat in the devotional aisle for an hour. I read a page out of all of the book except 7 of them. I also prayed and asked God to help me to pick out the right one. I didn't want just an easy read with a minimal lesson. I wanted a devotional that would help me grow. After that hour I found one and I think its pretty awesome because it has a devotional for the morning and evening of each day. So it encourages you to spend even more time with God. And after a small lesson it asks specific question that apply to your life and gives you room to right. I thought it was sweet.

While I was checking out up at the registers I noticed these little Bibles just off the the side so I picked one up just to see what it was and it was just a small ESV of the Bible. Just being curious I asked the lady working how much they were, and she said they were $5. As I started to put it down and forget about it the words flew out of my mouth like I had no control that I would take one. And I was just like ummm okay. So I ended up with another Bible and I wasn't sure why. But when I was driving home I thought about why I did it. Last week at camp I would offer to read a passage at our morning meetings out of my amplified Bible and one girl was like well my translation is completely different from yours so here is what mine says. And I was just kinda like yea this version is so different because it is more for study, and it is probably going to be a lot different than the versions that my campers will have. So that was a reason a long with the fact that if I ever meet someone that really needs a Bible I will be able to give them one because it cost me nothing and its going to help someone SOOO much. So I thanked God that he had me buy that.

That night I was also hanging out with some of my friends from home and we were all over at my house and I just kept looking at my Bible and devotional and I just wanted to read it so bad. I was glad to see my friends but I really wanted to spend time with God, it was such an amazing feeling. I also told my friend all about how I got the little bible and my new devotional and she and I really never talk about that stuff because she is catholic and we never talk about it. So it was really cool that I was so bold to just say it. God is so amazing.

Two more things to share....I wrote a poem today and I just wanted to put it on here because I couldn't find my poem book at the moments. And a you tube video that I watched about 15 times today because I had a rough morning and this guy really helped make today better.

Poem....
bon ami
vous etes proche

bon ami
vous etes extreme

bon ami
vous etes vrai

bon ami
vous etes faux

bon ami
vous etes pas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2eJlkk7nf4

Therapuddy.... does nothing.

So for the past two or three years my wrists hurt constantly and they crack SO loud...it's nasty. I have a high pain tolerance so I didn't really do anything about it, I guess I just always thought it was normal since all of my bones crack that loud. However, none of the rest of them have the pain or are as frequent as my wrist. So this spring I went to my doctor and played him the lovely sound of my wrists and he looked at me and goes "emm thats not right" and I said "yes doctor perry....I've noticed" So he told me that I needed to get an X-ray so we can see what is going on. I got the X-ray and that didn't show anything so I got an MRI and that didn't show much except the fact that my ligaments and tendons are really weak. So my doctor decided the best thing to do would be to get physical therapy. I just kept thinking seriously what is that going to do because moving them hurts and every activity I did in high used my wrists and that made them strong. So I listened to my doctor seeing that he has gone to medical school and went to physical therapy.

So I went and my physical therapist took all the these measurements and whatever and she just sat there for a second and asked me for the like 4th time, "you don't take any pain medication for this?" and I was like no I just deal with it. And she was like I really don't know how you do it. So she started to explain to me what is going on the cracking she believes is from a little bit of them grinding on one another because there isn't enough ligament support there. Then she told me that this physical therapy really isn't going to do much. And I just sitting there thinking...I was right. She told me we can strengthen the muscles that are in my forearm but besides that there isn't much she could do. So she told me about prolotheraphy where you get injections in your ligaments and the make them bigger so they can support better. And I was like well that is going to hurt a little bit. And she told me out get like 10-15 shots in different spots like 5 times. I was like okay yes, maybe something that can help. Debbie Downer point- its like $100 each time and insurance doesn't cover it at all. So that is like $500 out of pocket. ouch. So my therapist gave me some exercises and a deep tissue massage on my arms. Then I got this stuff called therapuddy which is just silly puddy. But so far...no changes.

What have I gotten myself into?

I have been gone for a week to SpringHill and now I am already back at home. To get to this end result I think I have to back to a week ago when it all began. I left last friday afternoon to head up north for a week of all staff training at SpringHill camps so I could be a counselor for the summer. On my drive up I just continued to get more and more nervous about everything that was going on, it really felt like it was the first day of college again for me. I got up there and everyone was going crazy excited and I got through the whole registration process and went up to Copper Country, my part of camp where I was going to be staying. I am not going to lie when my mom left the homesickness started to set in, I was alone with people I didn't know in the forest. And the rest of that night really sucked because I felt so alone. As the week continued we got deeper and deeper into material and we all definitely got deeper and deeper into our relationships with God. However I am still struggling. I have learned so much in the past 7 days that I am completely overwhelmed. There are SO SO SO many details to the job. Not only sticking to your schedule, not losing campers, making sure everyone eats, looking for abuse, knowing where ever shelter area is, what sound means what, what games to play, who needs medication, how to deal with a "dead squirrel", oh and don't forget that you need to give these children so much love and the great news about God and help them every step of the way. It is seriously intense and it is all for the springhill experience. I seriously got so intimidated and weak and had pretty much decided that if after 2 weeks I just couldn't do it I was going to quit I just couldn't handle it. On top of that finding out that my brother would be married on the 20th and I wouldn't be able to attend really made me want to live. OH don't forget the Tornado that hit our camp and took down half our forest and cause MAJOR problems. But mid way through the week our camp director told us that we only have 70% of the campers coming so some people were needed at the other divisions of camp and some people where going to go home. So i came home, their burden was my blessing. But I just don't know if I want or am supposed to go back I need major guidance this week.

What a week, but why?

Obviously I made it home from Europe, and whenever I get back I am always really cranky because I don't like the fact that I had to leave. England is my favorite place that I have been to thus far. What I really like about it is that there are definitely differences from here and there but there are also so many similarities, and don't forget we speak the same language. That earns a gold star. This trip was very different from the other times I was there I only went into London for a day and the rest of my trip was in small English towns west of London. I may have liked that even more than London. It was such a blessing to be there again. When I am there I have no stress and I wake up every morning with a smile for the pure satisfaction of just being happy where I am. I always wonder why God has sent me the places he has. So far I still haven't been able to figure out why I have gone to Europe 3 times and why I have such a great passion for it. While I was there I really started to question this and asked God to show me why he has sent me there. God gives us specific desires, and likes and being there is definitely one of them. One of the reason I know I was there was the opportunity to spend time with my aunt, another was to learn more because I love to learn about history and there is no way you can escape history while you are there. But I just kept thinking while I was there that I just hate the fact that I never know when I am going to go back and the truth is that I want to be there all the time.

So that got my brain going with what I am planning to do with my life or where God wants me to go. I started thinking about teaching, and it is an excellent and amazing profession but I just kept thinking about the truth of it. When you become a teacher you life just sort of settles. You are in one spot for quite sometime and you fit into the mold that is built for you. I am really not sure that is what I want, well right now. I really can't imagine just settling when I am 22 and being okay with it. I don't feel okay with the thought that I won't be able to travel and explore and expand in the ways that I want. So I am praying that God show me the right path and will help me in being able to do what is right for me and be in the right place and use my gifts.

All in all my short trip was great. You can see all my pictures from my trip on facebook. :-)

Birthday and a window seat

Well my birthday is complete. Just another day in the year that has gone past and will surely come again next year. It was really cool I guess just to hear from everyone. I am almost positive if there was no facebook, no one would have remembered it was actually my birthday but that is alright. It was really funny too because everyone I knew from high school just wrote me something on my facebook wall, while everyone from Spring Arbor made a point to call me. Oh the differences in friendships. It was a good birthday overall, Ash and I played WAY too much guitar hero and for a short time we paused and I got my tennis lesson from the #1 player at MSU (woohoo) that actually was really fun. Cool birthday all in all just not what I have been used to in the past.
So along with all the birthday madness I left for London last night. It seems it's not easy for me to get to where I need to in a timely manner. We hit 275 going to the airport and the had closed it down completely on one side of the high way and we had sat there for almost and hour and waited to get through. Then went through Livonia and a lot of surface streets to get there. Luckily my plane was 15 minutes late and NO ONE was in Detroit. So I got through everything really fast, had enough time to use the bathroom then headed over to Philly. I thought I was going to have my hour lay over but boy was I wrong. I had to switch terminals and they don't make that easy to do there, there is no underground system or anything to connect them so you have to take a bus. And I had to go from F to A. That alone took a good 10 minutes. So they let me off at A1 and my gate was A26...the last gate. And I was thinking that it wouldn't be that far. Boy was I wrong. I was at gate A16ish when they called the final boarding call for my flight. I ran and ran and ran and was like the last person on the plane. It was a close call but I made it. And thankfully no one was sitting next to me so I was able to stretch out and sleep. But I think one of the coolest things, well two were that when we were coming into Philly there was a baseball game going on and you could see it perfectly and that was awesome. Then as we were flying to London I looked out the window and all around me was stars and the water below. It was really really cool.

365 days of 18 complete

So obviously tomorrow is my birthday. Every year, the night before my birthday I try to take some time to reflect on the past year. I usually write it down, see all of the changes, and I usually go outside to see the splendors of God. I thought, since the blog is enabled I would write down the year here. So here I go
*Became an adult
*Had 25 of my friends go to a midnight movie and skip school
*Graduated High School
*Went up north with friends
*Spent a summer doing nothing
*patched up bad relationships
*moved away
*made new friends
*shared a room with someone else for the first time
*shared a bathroom with someone else for the first time
*sprained my foot when I fell of a light post in my rain boots
*went to cedar bend
*learned how to jump my van
*had my wisdom teeth removed
*was dorothy in front of my entire student body
*became a BAMF (according to alex)
*survived a tornado
*visited MSU several times
*told Chad Henne to "suck it"
*my brother came home from Iraq = )
*Had a giant picture of myself in the mall
*taught Muff 1 how to really dance
* fell down the library stairs and felt the pain
*went snowmobiling for the first time
*switched roomates
*met captain jack sparrow <3
*said a lot of goodbyes
*found out what i really means to say goodbye
*found out how it feels when you run out of money
*was a penpal to a 2nd grader
*had several children think i was a mom at JATA
*became a PA
*let my roomate cut my hair
*spent the night at the baseball stadium...with m&m
*moved back home
*gained a sister-in-law
*started knowing God on a whole new level
*had a sweet year.

Woah, lets grow up!

So my birthday is this Sunday. (woohoo). I will be the whopping 19 which is just one of those birthday's that isn't really special. Every birthday should have it's own little sparkle but, 19, 17,15,26 you know the birthdays where it's not like wow now you a re an adult, now you can buy alcohol just another year gone by. But as I have noticed my birthday approaching it's not like it used to be. I am not as excited. I mean, I know it's coming but it's not like when I was younger and I just wanted that day to come and to open presents early, I know where my presents sit at this very moment and if I really wanted to know I could go look, but that would take away the magic of my birthday. Along with this loosing the umph of my birthday is the fact that I am not in school, so it's not like something is happening at school like in high school, I am not having a get together due to one of my gifts, and I'm not at college where I would have gone out and done something. It is just an at home, with my family birthday nothing big like I am used to. I mean come on, last year I had 25 people go to a midnight movie, all say happy birthday at midnight, then it was senior skip day, and I got a Wii and brand new iPod. Talk about one heck of a birthday. But this one actually does put last year to shame a little bit. Good old Aunt Faith. My mom gave her my birthday list by request and joking around I wrote on my list trip to Europe. Lucky me, that's what Aunt Faith picked. So the day after my birthday I leave Detroit Michigan, have a quick stop in Philly and then straight into heathrow. I get to spend the week in London again. Talk about being blessed. On a whim I get to go back to my favorite city. 3 years in a row I have been able to go to Europe, tell me how many middle class girls get to do that. God blesses me in extraordinary ways, maybe not what I would expect. I guess I expect God to bless me on a regular, what my mind could fathom level. But my God doesn't do that, he blesses me in ways I thought to be impossible.

Cleaned Out....Finally.

Over the past few days I have been working on cleaning out my stuff that is here at home, and my stuff at school so I have what I need for the summer and fall all set. Besides the literal cleaning out if my "stuff" today I took the liberty to clean out my emotional "stuff". The past couple of days have been interesting because I have had ample time to think, and it is somewhat annoying because your brain goes kinda crazy. I have been really upset, and really happy all at the same time. There is stuff that I am still struggling with and I hope that things will change as I embark the summer. But along with all of that stuff today I went to put new memories into my memory box, and I noticed my box was sort of full. So I went through it to realize that most of that box is filled with memories of my past relationship. My ex and I had been talking earlier this school year and we were working on just having a civil friendship and getting past our past. However, a little while ago all contact was cut of at his end with no explanation and I was just sort of like....okay. So I was praying about it and I just kept thinking you know this person was in my life at a certain time for a certain reason and now that time is past, so now is the time that I need to move past it. So today I literally threw away this person. I am not going to lie-it was an amazing feeling. After pain and brokenness for a few years I knew that I was totally fine with getting rid of all of it. So I ripped, shredded, and cut up everything. I filled the trash can in my room. (look at the picture) doing that, along with taking this person off of my phone, my instant message, and just being gone has helped so much. I am so glad it is all gone so I can go on with other things.

Not so sure I am ready...

You know how staples has the easy button? I want the give up button. I have learned that I am the type of person who can take a lot in, but then struggles to deal with all of it. There have been some changes going on at home that were well unexpected and unspoken of. I have a hard time walking into problems, a really hard time because I would rather give up. Also leaving school yesterday was no easy task, it seems like when you reach the end of something everything has to come to surface. I am thankful that God has blessed me with the ability to make people feel comfortable around me, and trust me, but it is not an easy thing to carry with you. I try my hardest to be a selfless person, but I can take that to the extreme and not take care of myself. But when you take care of everyone else. it is a real challenge to manage yourself as well. I have always been the type of person who feels awful when I tell people what I am struggling with, or what is bothering me because I feel like I am being an unwanted or needed burden. So I keep it to myself and continue to skip along with life.



So this summer I felt called to work at a summer camp. In all seriousness I have no clue why. I have never gone to camp and never worked at a camp. That just really isn't my style, I mean come on I worked at a tanning salon forever, and that was like a perfect job for me. So obviously God has something planned, but I have not a stinkin clue. Right now I really don't feel like I am a strong enough person for the job. I don't even feel like I am a strong enough person for life at this point. I think it is because I feel so scatter brained, and so scattered in my heart. My life is so busy right now in every area, I mean I even forgot that my birthday was next week...how sad. And not only do I feel unprepared for this summer, I don't want to have my head in the wrong world so to speak. I have been trusting in God to put my brain and heart in the right place so that it is honoring Him and His plan, but also to save my heart, which is still stretched quite thin. Trusting and having faith are two of the hardest things.



Not only am I worried about this summer and what is going to happen, but also about next fall. I just feel like I can hardly see in front of me. Like I am just looking through a small hole in the wall of what is going to happen, as if I have lost control. And if you know me, I don't like not being in control...at all. I have a lot of different pressures riding on me for the fall from all over the map, and it makes me really worried that I am going to push out or away something that I shouldn't. So I guess today is one of those days where I wish I was in elementary school, and the only worry on my mind is what we are having for dinner and if I can stay up late. Oh man, what a life that would be...

As the wind blows over the plains

Everyone here at Spring Arbor keeps talking about God's timing. Something that none of us can really explain, and have no control over. However, everyday we wish we did and try to think that we do. It could be small things like walking into the DC at the right time for dinner, so that you end up sitting with your friend and have a great conversation. Or having you go to the right school and do the right things to meet the right people. We all love to look back at times and go "okay God, I understand that now, thanks!" But when you are waiting for that moment to come, it seems like it is so far away that God will have to move heaven and earth for you to get there. I think that is a good way to sum up what a lot of people have been feeling that I have been talking to.

Along with this timing scenario, my friend Nicole and I have had the opportunity to have more of our serious life chats. With her roommate, and mine occupying their time with their male companions, we always hang out with each other when they're gone. (Even though Nicole has her boyfriend, I appreciate that she spends the time with me) The other night she was helping my with my packing and we were talking about what a weird time in your life college is. The fact that you are somewhat in limbo, you are no longer really under the control of mom and dad, but you don't have control over everything. Then we got to talking about how this year of course has gone by fast, and that only have 3 years left is really nothing in the big picture. And when those 3 years are up who knows whats going to happen and there will come a point when someone depends on you. That one really kicked us in the pants. We were talking about how it seems like our parents know everything. Like I call my Mom about pretty much everything- if I don't know how to do something mom does. If something breaks, money comes short, how to fix something Dad takes care of it. Time and time again. My parents have given me a wonderful lifestyle, which I am sure will catch up with me. They do SO much for me, and now I have started to take advantage of it = ) BUT Nicole and I were wondering how in the world are we going to become that knowledgeable and useful? Life knowledge doesn't come in a small package along with our degrees. What happens when we have children of their own and we are their source for everything...eekers. So we decided we are glad to have this time to sort of learn and float through life.

To wrap this up, I am SO nervous about this summer. I called SpringHill Monday to make sure they received my contract and 8 other sheets of random information that they needed to have. I have never done the whole summer camp scenario and I have never been gone my entire summer working, especially somewhere that I have never been. Thats how I know this is a calling from God. I am not the type of person to seek out big things that I have never done before. Thats why I was so surprised when I got a full summer job, EXACTLY where I wanted it. That's how I knew this whole scenario was God, it's not just luck. But the fact that I have 2 1/2 weeks at home is a little eerie to me. This weekend when my parents, sister, grandma, aunt, uncle and counsins came down for mothers day I got really upset that I didn't get to go home with them. I miss being at home, I love to spend time with my parents because they are my best friends. I love to spend time with my sister because very soon I know she won't be as close anymore, and that is weird. AND don't forget my FAVORITE thing about home, G-Unit. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my dog. If you don't have a dog, and one like Gary, you don't understand. I am sure you think I am stupid to love a black lab who just sits in my house. But he is more than that, he reminds me of God oddly enough.

Time Stinks

I don't know if I am getting anxiety about something or if something has caused this feeling but I feel exhausted. Not like I don't want to wake up for classes, like emotionally exhausted. Everyone reaches a point where they just need a break. A break from people and life and everything that follows those things. But I can't find a break. There is literally no time, not until Christmas. I am sure if I really wanted to today I could get away but I would never do that because I would feel extreme guilt because I didn't do anything in a day, so it was wasted.

I am really sick of thinking the same thoughts, or going through the motions that I do everyday and having no feeling. I have the pressure to have on the happy face, the one that everyone knows. Of course everyone has a bad day and whatever but this comes down to other things I guess. I don't really know how to say it. I am tried of people saying yea we are friends....but hardly. Or people talk to you because they have to or you have something they want. I love to work with people but they are probably the most frustrating thing I will encounter. Usually I will confront these problems with the people I share them with or confront them with the people I know care, but in this scenario what is the point in starting to change something when there is hardly any time before change is going to happen that is out of your power.

I guess the best way I can explain this is write a poem about it.....

We are all at the same place at the same time.
We can walk around with our facade secure.
While inside it is in a million pieces.
We look to the other facades,
But we can't find the glue.

We look upon each other and see the joy,
We wonder how to get it into our armor.
A beautiful smile can flash at you,
And behind it tears are pouring.

We pour the constant words to God
And what He gives us is time.
Frustrated we look to others,
All we see is the facades.

We can see others chasing something they see as real
We can see that it is all false.
But we chase the false thing as well.
And only one is sure of the chase.

But they aren't giving answers anytime soon.
We say okay we understand.
Yet we go back to the same false chase.
Confused, confused.

Time is what holds the answer.
Time is what holds the torture.
Time is what holds the happiness.
Time is what we cannot hold on to.

The Sun is Setting

I really can't believe how fast this first year has gone. I was talking to my Dad today and we realized that it was a year ago today that he and I came down here to Spring Arbor to go on my campus tour. I came down thinking that I wasn't going to like it and I was ready to turn them down and go to Michigan State. And then everything changed and obviously I came here. But I really can't fathom how quickly it has gone by. Even from January to now has gone by so stinkin fast. So the thing that is really putting stones in my pale is that time is going by so fast. I remembered today that my birthday is a month away which means that I am going to be 19 very soon and that it has been a year since I graduated high school. And that means I only have 3 more years of college and so much is going to happen within those 3 years that I can't even imagine at this point. 3 years really is not long. Within 3 years a baby isn't even ready for school. What scares me the mot is that after those 3 years are done, what I am I going to do? Where am I going to be? These questions that have been so far off in the distance are now looming closer and closer.

Oh no, it goes this way...

This weekend we had Relay for Life here and it was really awesome. I did that in high school and I love that I was able to do it again and I hope to do it again in the future. But as I was walking with my marvelous friend Mary we got talking about families and our expectations. She and I come from two different homes and that makes things even more interesting to me. So we were talking about jobs and families or whatever and she was saying that she just couldn't imagine not working. Mary is such a hard worker and what she really wants to do for her job is perfect for her. It has everything she likes and she is always active. Where as for me I was explaining that teaching will be great but when it comes to having children and such I really want to have the opportunity to not work and just stay home with my kids. Even though I think it is really important to support my family with my job, I think it is also important for me to support my family in loving and raising them. I seriously would love to just stay home with my kids as long as possible and raise them myself instead of them being raised by someone else along with 10 other kids from 10 other families and 20 or more other parents. I just think it is really interesting when you can talk to your friends about this stuff and not everyone is the same but we are okay that are different and love that about each other.

Secondly I really don't like it when people show two sets of feelings towards you. I feel like there are a lot times when I think I have a close or good friendship with someone but then I realize I am just another friend in the crowd. I of course think that people are generally good by nature so never really see these things. I see the feelings and expression they put before my face. So when people take the time to talk to you and can seem generally concerned and then you find out you are just "another friend" it takes a blow to the relationship. It bothers me a lot and I really hope that I don't do that to others.

I'm okay with that...some aren't.

Last night here at Spring Arbor we had relay for life, and my friend Mary and I decided to participate. I went at 6 when it started to watch the survivors walk and then Mary and I weren't walking until 3 AM. So when Mary and I went walking at 3 we had a lot to talk about, and a lot of time to do it.

She and I always talk about all sorts of different things, life scenarios, what if....would you rather, and just other stories. Well we got into talking about the future (hot topic) and we were talking about jobs and families and raising a family. Mary and I come from two different up bringings and that is really cool. What we were talking about was if we were okay with just not working after having children and just being a stay at home mom. Thats where Mary and I differ. If I didn't want to teach and or need to have a job because of the world we live in, I wouldn't. When the chance comes if I can be at home rather than work I will take it. Not that I am a slacker and don't have dreams or a passion, but when it comes down to having a family that will become more of a passion for me. Being a good spouse, role model, parents all of those things are really important to me. Now I don't want you to think Mary isn't like this, because she is, but she loves to be active and is passionate about what she wants to do. We are just at two different spots.

A Sense of Relief...for a moment

Today was a big day in my little world. The past 3 weeks the only thing that was on my side track mind was this whole Peer Advisor process. Today all of that process finally came to an end. I knew that the answer to this whole thing was going to be in my mailbox by the end of the day, and when I got out of my 3:50 class and came down my hall the pressure was on. All the girls were telling me about how everyone was finding out about PA stuff so I needed to check my mailbox, and I was pleasantly surprised.

So here is the thing about all of this. Everyone just kept telling me oh you'll get it, or you did great I know you will. And I am so thankful for all of these things, but it is just so different when you are the one going through the whole thing. All week I just kept going between I got it or I didn't. One day I was like yeah man I rocked the socks off of those guys. Then two hours later I was like it's okay if you don't get it you will be fine, God has plan for you don't worry about it Emm. Even though I wanted to take in all of the wonderful comments from these people I had a hard time just getting away from my own thoughts and saying its okay emmaleigh its okay.

So i had that sense of relief about the whole PA thing, for about an hour. Then it hit me there is so much to think about and prepare for. Like all of these freshman coming in and whats going on in core, and am I going to be able to handle it and will I be a good PA, will i be able to build the relationships needed, can i do cedar bend on my own? All these crazy things and I get all nervous and excited. I don't want to be a screw up PA. nope no way not me. Ekkkers.

I Think I Found something....

There have been several things that have gone on in my life in the past few weeks that have been an eye opener. If you are unaware, I am at school to become a teacher. I have a passion to share the knowledge I know with others to better them. But I like to teach more than just the sweet facts about history (since I am going to teach social studies), people fascinate me, especially our minds. As I have learned over time there are a lot of girls on my floor that feel really comfortable talking to me and opening up, which I LOVE. And to me one of the most interesting things is the mind of a teenage girl. I recently read the book Body Wars by Dr. Margo Maine and it is an amazing book. Being a girl we analyze everything CONSTANTLY. Because of the society we live in we are always judging and saying if only I had this or wasn't this. But the kicker is that we think we are the only ones who think this way. I know this is how I felt for quite sometime. When I read this book i realized why i was thinking this way and why I don't need to be thinking this way at all. God has made me in the image of himself, he made me just the way I am and I am glad he did, otherwise I wouldn't be me. But a lot of girls do not have this confidence that I do. However, they see it in me. There are seriously so many girls suffering thinking that if they looked differently, guys would like them. I have been there for several years, I have seen my body go through numerous changes and blamed that on why I am not in a relationship. As girls we are supposed to have hips, boobs, thighs and a tummy. If we don't we have messed up periods, an eating disorder, and mega problems having babies. Which is why we are built with curves so we can have children.

I have been talking with a lot of girls lately and telling them the truth, that they are perfect the way they are. But not a one really believes me. So I tell them to write down all the good things. They tell me there is absolutely nothing. OUCH. Girls feel this way because of the images thrown in our faces and the words coming out of guys mouths. Even though I am feeling more comfortable with who I am, it's an uphill battle. Especially when a lot of my friends are in relationships and we hang out and I am the 3rd or 5th wheel. So I was talking to Ron about how I go in and out of being okay with no being in a relationship. Given it is a lot easier since I really don't fancy anyone in particular. But what I am doing is going through the Bible and finding the characteristics of who I want to be and working on those so I am confident when a relationship comes along. And also so that I can find those same characteristics in a mate.

So I am teaching my small group all about this next week and I am really excited because I think it is really important for girls my age. I just really want to do something more, I want to show every girl on this campus how wonderful and beautiful they are.

a day that i never wanted to come

Today is one of those days where I know what is coming and its something I don't really want to deal with but I am going to have to. It is something that I have had in the back of my mind and I really hoped that it wasn't going to happen. But it is. And that's really just the reality of life, things change and happen and it i something that you can't control. Time doesn't stop , or in the words of Damien Rice, Time is contagious. I just hope it all goes well.

Twiddle My Thumbs

There are often days when I wonder what the heck is going on. Or for that matter why everything happens for a reason or why people function the way that they do. Now approaching the end of my first year is a really great thing because this has been an amazing year. And a really quick one. There are really big things that are occurring and coming up in my life that I am really excited about. There are like wise significant changes coming. However there are things in my life that I continue to feel like I am at the end of my rope. But that feeling comes in and out. I have days that things I feel are really clear while there are days that I feel so confused. Those are the days that I really want God to intervene and be like Hey Emmaleigh here is what is going down. Here is what is coming. But he isn't going to do that. I understand. But I have been praying that I would have become more patient and I have seen the opportunities that God has given me for those things. Yet there are just those days when I say grr and just really want a definate answer. But I feel like there is probably something at my end that I am just not understanding or something that I am just not doing right. I wonder if I am praying right or if I have my words all mixed up and I am asking for all the wrong things. I don't know I just feel really confused and I wish I didn't. But then I guess I should pray about that too. = ) I think one of the most difficult things is that I have had the opportunity to have something that I really enjoyed and now I long for that same feeling back and it's not coming in "my" time frame. God has things planned for me in his time frame because he knows what is coming or what is going. That power is so amazing. Because God is amazing. Everyday there are new beautiful things revealed to me. I wish I could just apply it and keep up. I have noticed as I get older and the factor of time becomes more prevalent your mind starts to work a little differently in the sense of priorities. Oh growing up......

Take Me Away, To Better Days

I don't know the last time I was this stressed. And this has nothing to do with school work. I am applying to be a PA here at SAU and it has given me extreme, stress that EXTREME stress. I have been stressed about it for 3 weeks. Right now the application sits next to me. Filled out. And all I can do is look at it and I feel like I am about to cry. Seriously I usually don't get this stressed and I don't understand why. This is something that I really want but this is something I am really afraid of. I just want to give it all to God because I know that he has the plan taken care of but I am struggling with that. This is something that I really want to do and it is something that I know I would be good at. Plus I feel like this is something God has called me to do. Yet there are SOO many other people applying. And what gets me caught up is that they usually want juniors or seniors even thought I don't think they connect as well with freshman but that is my opinion. I am letting the whole process freak me out and yet at the same time I know these are things that I am good at. I just really don't want to be let down and as cocky as this might sound when it comes to things like this I am not really used to not receiving positions. However what really makes me mad about the whole thing is that there are a lot of people applying just because they didn't get an RA position so they figure if they can't get one they can get the other. And I don't think that is fair to people like me who are working their hardest at this one thing and to have people that have already have to opportunity to try for something try to steal my parade. no way jose. But this whole thing is making it impossible for me to sleep as it is 5 30 sunday morning. Please pray for me. ooh rough week. But Disney World was fantastic.

That Sister Sense

I really need to write my blog more often because a lot can happen in a week but I just can't keep up with it all. This week all I was looking forward to was the fact that I had no classes on friday. So on thursday I woke up to go do some kickboxing and my dad sent me a text message to tell me that my sister came out of surgery just fine. And I felt bad that I had slept through the morning while my sister was having her gull bladder removed. So I got up and went about my day and when it came to my two o'clock class I couldn't stand it anymore. I had thought about the fact that I had no classes on friday and I wasn't planning on going home until saturday morning because we had a floor event on friday then I decided no I am really not going to wait around for this. So I skipped my class packed up and came home. I don't know if you people reading this are close to your siblings are someone in your family there are times when you just know you need to be with them. So I went home and I was right my sister needed me on friday. My mom needed to go back to work and my dad had stuff to get done and there were things that my sister needed help with that my dad just couldn't help her with. I am glad that I was here to help her because really I love to help.

I just can't wait for this week to get done. Then we have spring break. I finally get to see my friend Kelly again whom I haven't seen since chrismas and I only get to see her for a few hours before I leave again. I get to go to Florida for 10 days and have a vacation and I am really looking forward to it. I feel a little guilty because I am not taking a missions trip like several people are but I know I will have more opportunities to do so.

And lastly a prayer request, there are a few things that are coming that are kinda big deals. After Spring Break is all the PA stuff. Pray that God's will will be done in that situation. And I am applying to work at Springhill this summer, pray that everything that is supposed to work out with that will and to give me peace about all of these things.

A Goal I Thought That Was Easy, Is A Challenge

I want to have an all 'A' semester. Not a bad goal. To me, it seemed like I was doing pretty good, only missing like 1 or 2 points or maybe even none on assignments. But that 1 point can change a grade completely when there aren't a lot of points over all. For example in my World Lit class, I do good on the writing assignments and quizzes and that's basically the whole class. Well today I looked at my grade and I have a B+. Not what I want. So I went through the assignments to see what was holding me back. We did a group quiz like three weeks ago and we got 5/10. Those 5 points are keeping me at a B+ instead of A. All of the quizzes that I did on my own I get 100% so I am going to stick to my own brain. Or there are some classes where there is one assignment and that is the whole grade. Next week is midterms and my grades are not where I want them at all. I mean I don't think I have anything lower than a B. But a 'B' is not an 'A'. I have also realized I am very competitive with my friends when it comes to grades. I like to have my piece of the pie, I like to have a subject or area that I can pride myself in and have the higher grade. But all my friends are smarty pants.

One Man with simple words

It's monday, my big bad busy day. After a really long, yet great weekend it is hard just to roll into my mondays. But every week I manage. So my monday's are jam packed with goodness I think. I only have two classes but we have chapel, and I have a 12:15 lunch date with Kim every week, work out time with Heather (haha and now Alex), small group and now I meet with the ever so classy Ron K. So today when I was meeting with Ron I didn't come with anything prepared to talk about, nothing really God like on my mind, we were just chatting. So I talking to Ron about how I am trying to get my stuff together and make my life so God is number one in everything. So I am going on just talking and talking and Ron stops me and says do you think you are impressive? and I said no, because I really don't think that and I thought that he was saying I am a really proud person. But then he went on to say, I think you are a person who is very impressive and you have impressed me. And I thanked him and he said I feel so blessed to be able to get to know you. Even though they were so simple they were so powerful to me. because I see Ron as someone who has great authority and that he feels blessed to talk with me and that he thinks that me just as who I am that I am impressive. It made me feel amazing and gave me such a boost. I love Ron. = )

A Really Big Blog

I kinda got really busy and couldn't keep up with my blogging which made me sad because I love to write my blog. Lets back it all the way up to this past weekend. Britney and I went up north to go snowmobiling with her family. We went up to Lewiston where her family has a cabin and chilled there for friday night. Then on saturday morning we woke up in no big rush, had breakfast and started to suite up. I had never gone snowmobiling and I wasn't really that nervous. So Britney and I ride a 2 up which obviously is for two people, and at first I was like oh yea this is pretty sweet. Well here is the funny part, as we are going along and we come to these giant hills and it gets really bumpy and all I have to hold on to are these little bars on the side and well to make a long story short I flew off, and manage to not even hit Britney. We were going about 40 mph and I hit the ground rolled got back up ran and jumped back on. Seriously reallly funny stuff there. But it was awesome she let me drive for a little while and we were gone most of the day and the coolest part was when we hit about 60 mph. What I loved the most about it was that I had no fear to try something new, I jumped right on and did and even though I fell off I didn't get all bother about, I got up and kept going it was so awesome. AND it was really cool to be going through all of these trails and the trees are just covered in snow, it looks like a picture and we saw two deer, I was pumped and wanted to hit them. Britney said no.

SO we ended up driving back on saturday night so we didn't get caught in an ice storm and we got back around 2 am and had a really long day. I then had to look forward to this week and thats when I realized how busy I am right now. Monday and today, it's really amazing how much I accomplished. Monday I only had two classes and chapel, but along with that I had my homework for today (which was a lot) and I worked out, had a great lunch with one of my friends with core and we got to catch up and decided to make it a regular thing, and now I am meeting weekly with Ron, which rocks my little white socks, and I had small group. Then today I had my mega classes and a pen pal meeting because I am a pen pal with a second grader. And the rest of my week doesn't slow down until friday, when I go home. Woo its really busy.

But the coolest part about it was my meeting with Ron. I was proud to set things up and he and I talked about the effectiveness and power of prayer. It was awesome I love it when God has so many amazing people in your life that can reveal great things to you!

Lastly, this made me a little mad today, I have old testament on tuesday and thursday and on tuesday we have a quiz over last week and our chart due on what we are going to cover that week. Well I got 3/10 on my quiz today. I have NEVER done that bad. And I was SOO mad at myself because I have never ever done that. Now I am going to have to push myself even more to change that and get some extra credit points.

I Did It

Valentines day is over. Yay. Over all it was a pretty good day, a lot of people who care about me, told me. So thanks to them. It was hard to watch 3 of my best friends all be in relationships and all have really great nights but it will all come in time.

Oh man the holiday came again

I have to talk about it because it came. Valentines day. I hate it. I feel that if you need a day to show someone you love them you don't really love them. Now if you are you know trying to impress someone I think it is really good, and we girls do expect things however I think that if someone was to really show me they love me, they would pick a random day or a day in which we made a small memory and then do all of the things you would normally do on valentines day. It's not just about making the holiday its about showing someone how much you love them and that can happen any day, it just depends on what happens.

So today (the day before valentines day) was so special. I got a package slip last night and I knew it was from my parents. So I went to classes or whatever this morning and the mail place called my room and said I could come whenever to get my package and I didn't need to slip just my ID. Well I already had the slip so i went over there and they got me my package from my mom and dad filled with candy, movies, and a card. A typical valentines from my parents. And while I was waiting in line Katie and I saw these two vases of flowers and I was so jealous because I wanted flowers. (they weren't daisies, my favorites but they were roses my second favorite) and I said who ever gets those are really lucky. So I get back to my room and we have another voicemail from the mail people this time for Brit saying the same thing the said to me and we thought is was the boots she order so we rushed over there. These flowers that I had seen were for britney. I was like WOAH how cool they are for britney so she got hers and we thought they were from her mom and there was another vase there that looked simular so we asked out of curiosity who they were for and the tag said "Emmaleigh Boardway" and I was like no way thats me! So we thought aww how sweet britneys mom sent us flowers. Well we got back to our room and realized they were actually from my brother! WOAH it was so cool, so now we are lucky enough to have flowers, candy, and new chick flicks and its NOT valentines day. In the words of Brian Regan "Can this get any better? I submit that it cannot!"

God and Poems

Last night I sat down to read my bible and I decided to read 1st John since that is what Ron talked about at Deeper last week. 1st John is only like 5 pages, but those 5 pages should not go unnoticed. I only read chapers 1 and 2 because I wanted to study what it said and not just blow through it because it was so short. But those two chapters had 4 or 5 verses that really stuck out to me and i studied those verses and even though they were verses that I have heard before and I know what they mean, they're things that I need to work on and things that are very important.

Today I woke up and realized how amazingly comfortable my bed is. So I sat there, for a really long time and I decided to write some poems. So I thought I would put them on here today, from my poetry journal.


1.

The Sheer curtains can barely keep out the light and cold.
They try their best to keep hidden from us, what is playing behind them.
But a mere glimps around a corner reveals what is to be unseen.
The cold has pressed it's self against the window with such force, little can be done to hold it back.
The window that shows me my surroundings is covered.
A thin layer of ice and frost has covered my view of the world.
Everything is hidden, or has a shinny tint to it.
What is clear to my eyes is the snow that covers the ground.
A thick, cold blanket that covers the earth so that we cannot see what is under it.
Even without the power of the sun, the snow shines like a light guiding those lost, home.
What is most clear to my eyes are the dark branches reaching out in every direction.
They're dark, but have the light dusting of snow on them to blend them with everything else around them.
Without leaves they look so cold and drained, but from my window today, they look inviting.
Inviting me back to a time when the earth was free from its blanket.
A time where my world is filled with every color instead of one.
But my frosted window brings me back to my view.
The cold view with the eyes, but warm for my ears.
The wind howls softly, the heat keeps me warm an the piano keeping me calm.

2. Can fiction ever become reality?
A place where everything is magical, memorable and dare say perfect.
A place where the sun shines on glorious momnets, and a place where rain falls in defeat.
The answer to the problem is right around the corner and seen by all.
A place where your heart starts to race, and butterflies soar inside you.
A place where the heart had the ability to stand back up and times goes by in the blink of an eye.
A place that cannot be found unless you already know where it is.
A dream that cannot be achieved, a book with no last page, a letter with no signature.
A place where where a song is played and has the exact emotion that you have.
Fiction, where the mind can play and live how it wants.
Fiction, what I wan as a reality.

Changes can go by unseen

There are times when you can see the changes right in front of your face. They're really obvious, such as a change in clothes, seasons, or class schedules. But there are times when we move through life walking through changes and we don't stop to notice. Well today I did. Most of the time they are such small changes you really wouldn't notice what has happened. I have noticed that some of my friendships have completely changed. There are some people that I used to talk to in the beginning of the year and hang out with and now we have reduced to just saying hello as we pass each other. There are some friendships that are still intact but hardly, they're hanging on by a string either by hope, or the feeling that we should still be friends in some way. The way we talk has changed, the jokes have disappeared and now its just casual conversation. The reason I don't notice these things is probably because of all the people coming into my life as they go out. But it really does make so sad that you have formed all of these memories with people and then when things changes, just small things like a class schedule will altar a friendship. Bummer.

Then there is all of this stress about the school of education. This morning I woke up and attended a seminar on classroom management. The woman who was speaking is a third grade teacher over at western and she had so many helpful things to say and I was really glad that I went. I got so much information however right now I feel like I am on information overload. There is so much that needs to be done just to get into the school of ed, and then there is everything beyond that. Teaching really is a passion of mine so I am trying to do everything in my power that will make me more marketable when I reach the point of searching for a job since the education field is so competitive right now. Ugh man today is a good day but there is a lot to handle.

Good Friends, Kick Your Butt (when needed)

I think my title pretty well covers what I am going to talk about. Well in a general overview sort of way. All of the good friends I have made here kick my butt with honesty and it is amazing. I am an honest person so when others are honest towards me its awesome. They tell you how it is no sugar, if you look like crap they tell you, if you messed up, they make it known, if you did something great they praise it. So here is what I was going to talk about.

Britney, who is my next door neighbor, is now becoming my roomate and I couldn't be more excited. We already hang out all the time and since I have a room to myself why not just move in since she is here all the time! = ) YAY so yesterday she and I went and worked out. And here is why, after my junior year that summer I went through a really tough time, into my senior year with a lot of issues. So I made the mistake of doing nothing and eating everything. Staying inside and moaping. Even though I had cheerleading, it is only winter. So I unfortunately gained weight. Like 15 pounds. I watched myself changed dramatically and it made me really upset but continued to do nothing about it and just let it sit in the back of my mind and bother me. With this came self confidence issue (which some people can't believe because I am really outgoing) and that sucked. So now that I am here and have control and all the opportunities I need to change my life I am going to. So Britney and I went and worked out for an hour and she kicked my butt and I was so happy. I have never been so happy to let someone kick my butt and make me do things I don't like to do. I was really worried about being all embarassed but decided to bite the bullet and do it, because sometimes that is what it takes in life. So I went and I feel so good, I love the pain after working out. = ) YAY!

We're All Just Humans

Today I had my speech class. I wasn't really looking forward to it because well it is speech, it's required and I just don't usually like to sit and listen to speeches, unless it is something that I am interested in. However my professor said something really interesting to me today. She continually made the point that "we're all just humans." She was talking about how a lot of people are afraid of the class but we have no need to fear because we're all just humans. This really stuck with me today. Once again we're all just humans. Sit back and think about it. The world that we live in is made up of many things, but what we most concern ourselves with is humans. We get wrapped up in each individual, but we forget we're all so simular. We are all humans, we have the same flaws just some people are better at hiding them than others. But when we walk into a room all we can see is differences but we forget we're all the same in a sense.

Along with being the same have you ever noticed how we CONSTANTLY are judging? We judge each person that passes by us, we judge every situation, we judge every assignment, every day. We are creatures that constantly judge to become aware and protect ourselves. Even if we know someone well, when we see that person talking to someone we don't know we are judging what they're saying and doing because we simply don't know everything that is going on. Have you ever wondered what it would be like not to judge and be perfectly comfortable with everything? This is something that is impossible on our earth because of all the sin, but I wonder if that is what it's like in Heaven? How cool will that be. = )

Start of Spring in the snow

Yay we started Spring semester today! Seriously spring is going to be boring. Thursdays are my busy day, I have 4 classes in a row = (. I started the morning with ESS and that will be just fine, just another gen ed. Then I have the classy Old Testament and man I just love the huge gen ed classes, they're the greatest. Then I shimmy over to PSY110 which I am sure I will benefit from however it is really laid back and my small group leader is my RD..which is cool I guess I really like Mal, I just kinda wanted to work with someone new. Lastly I have EDU200 which really shouldn't even be a class. Seriously. not worth the time or money, but it is required. Tomorrow I have world lit and thats it. Here is my pickle about tomorrow, I really want to go home, I want to see Gary, I want to see my parents, I want to go home. But we are getting all of this snow and everyone is freaking out and it's not smart to drive in the heavy snow, and the more we get the harder it is to get somewhere and who knows if I will be able to get my car out of the mudpit where I park. Bummer.

Today was cool though, whenever we start new classes it always seems like its not real and like everything is so far off in the distance, but really it isn't. So tonight I started some homework that is due next tuesday just to get it out of the way, I always feel better when it is done early. However I think I should have done more and played less guitar hero, but oh well what can I do about it now. NOTHING. = )

So I am a loser teacher freak, let me explain. I got excited today because I knew when I would get the syllabus from the professors that I could go back to my room and orgainze my folders and homework book. I love to orgainze and plan. Then I got to color coordinate and staple. Seriously I love this stuff. Then I learned about everything in the teacher workroom and man that place is like a dream to me. Seriously I don't think you guys understand. It just made me realize how much I want to be a teacher. = )

End of the month, end of a chapter

So after a wonderful night with Mary I came back to the not as nice Muffitt and Kelsey was coming over to get the last of her things. It really didn't take us very long, only 2 or 3 trips because most of the stuff in the room is mine. The room looks empty but not really because there is so much of my stuff here. I have spread it out so now everything looks a little more empty but i think it will all be okay. There have been a lot of things going on with in me that have been bothering me. I have come to understand that there really is nothing that I can do about this, I can do some of the changes but not all of the changes. God will have to do the rest and I really need to trust in Him and have Faith, because that's what its all about right? = /

Goodbye, Hello, Goodbye

Today we finished 'J' Term, YAY! My computer class was really quite simple and I am glad that I had that class, it was a nice way to ease my back into school. We took our final this morning and I knew that I could miss 12 points in order for me to keep my A. However there were probably about 10 questions out of the 90 that I didn't know, couldn't remember, or got mixed up with something else. So now I am all worried about not getting an A, because I really want one and have worked for one, but because I got all messed up who knows and that makes me a little ticked. So goodbye J term and Shasha Wu, it was fun, and really fast.

Hello spring semester! It is literally right around the corner. I am excited right now but I am really nervous. I was going to say I am worried about only 2 of my classes but that is totally wrong, I am worried about all 6 of them. They're all different classes, but some pretty cool ones I guess. What I am the most worried about is everything that I need to do this semester that isn't even related to a class. All of the tests and things I need to take for Education are fast approaching, and I need to get them all sorted out and taken care of because this is all going by a lot faster than I thought. So Hello spring and stress.

Goodbye Kelsey and 1st semester. Kelsey came back today and started to move some of her stuff and it's a little weird. I've got plans for my room but I didn't realize how lonely I actually am. However I think I will grow from it. It is just all really weird because so many things have changed from 1st semester to now and I am sure they will continue to change.

Going to Mary's tonight for another sleep over. Sleep overs are now equal to getting coffee. They're magical.

A Little Secret To Share

Oooh I have a small secret. I really like classical music. Not only is it good music to have on when you study, I just really like it. I understand music, it makes so much sense to me, there is no second guessing it. I have a lot of classical music on my computer, and as i just found out 14 songs out of my top 25 played on itunes are classical. For me every song tells a story, not only the songs with a clear story told with words, but the stories that come just from the music. I just really love it, and obviously listen to it, a lot.

Today I played catch up with my friends from back home, but aren't actually there. My two best friends from high school are not very close to where I am. Erin, goes to Michigan State, and Kelly goes to the Savannah College of Art and Design. We're all in totally different places but always make time to come back to each other and regroup. It's really nice to talk to them and hear about what is going on with them, and all of our schools are so different, and all of the people and stories. I should also be studying for my CPS150 exam, but I just really don't want to. However I really don't want to lose my A in the class, so i figured it out that I can only miss 12 points to keep my A. A little bit of pressure. Along with that I am kinda nervous for spring to start, new classes always frighten me because it is the unknown, but I think I will be fine. And books are just way to expensive. Bummer. I also talked to my mom and dad today (I spent a lot of my day on the phone) and it was nice to talk to them, and my mom loves to keep me updated on what is going on at home and in Billtown or whatever. Her big news was the picture of me in the mall got moved to the center. She is proud. = )

Then there is tomorrow, it's the 29th, and the 29th hold some memories that would make tomorrow a big day, but I think with everything that is going on I will forget about it. And lastly a little shout out to Brian for reading my blog, thank you. = )

My Friends are getting married?

Sunday can be a wonderful day to praise the lord and relax, or a day filled with stress because Monday is the next day. Mine went both ways. I woke up this morning-excuse me, afternoon with a horrible sore throat and was ticked that I missed church, because I was going to drive to my home church and suprise my parents, but I slept right through that one. However I woke up and sounded like a man/ mouse and was a little worried. But I just prayed with my mommy over the phone, and I felt better. High five God. Then I heard a voice outside my door, and I was a little confused because there are only 5 people on my floor and to my suprise there was Britney! YAY I haven't seen her since before christmas break, it was such an awesome suprise. So I invited her into my room and we chatted and got everything caught up, and I started to watch Juno online and I felt really guilty because I was stealing it so I stopped and we went for some great Chinese.

Then Melody and I needed to do our final project due tomorrow for Shasha Wu. It's been a lot of fun to work with Melody for J Term because I didn't get to know her that well during the fall and this has been the perfect oportunity. So we started our project and I make her laugh apparently with every little thing I say so we are always laughing. We worked for about 2 hours and attempted to make Jake bring us food and drink, but that one fell through so we met him at the Cougar Den. I have met Jake before but haven't spent a lot of time with him. So the three of us sat down for a snack and ended up sitting there for an hour as I told them the famed deer stories. Then Jake asked something that really made me think, he asked me if it is weird to have someone my age, even more a friend, who is engaged and getting married? And I was like you know it actually is a little weird. For me it just seems like marriage and weddings is something far in the distance and something not going on with the people around me but thats wrong, and that is going to keep changing, and it reminded me that I was growing up. Bummer, it was fun to play with Barbie's for hours, oh well I guess that's why you have kids. So Melody and I went back to the famed Library and she just started talking about the wedding plans, and then told me the whole story of she and Jake, and we discussed for a long time that feeling of "the one" and it's really weird that one of my friends has found "the one" and knows it.

It took Melody and I 8 hours to complete our project and practice it. We were forced to leave the Library at 2, and when I left I was in serious pain because we had laughed so hard. We both reached that point in the night where EVERYTHING was funny, well I mean putting a picture of your professor in your presentation as a joke with an arrow to him that says cage fighter, is pretty funny, along with the chick and egg picture. It was just really fun, and the best project I have ever done.

To conclude my sunday I finally talked to my roomate Kelsey. She called me and I could tell she was nervous to talk to me. Long story short she is going to move to Gainey but she made it very clear it is no reason because of me. She really wasn't planning on coming back for this semester but her parents wanted her to complete a year and then next fall she has a wonderful opportunity for an internship at the international house of prayer in Kansas City. She is someone who really needs a big support system and change, and all of that is in Gainey for her. We both had prayed about it and both were at peace about it and knew it was the right thing to do. The only thing for me is that I am alone, which for some people would be a dream, and really it is nice because its like being at home again. However this weekend I was really alone, because of course I have been left alone at home when my parents go on vacation or whatever but I have ALWAYS had my dogs, and even though they're dogs I know that Gary will bark if someone busts into our house and just having him there I feel safe, and I can talk to him and he always listens and understands. = ) But I had no one yesterday because all of my friends were gone. Just me, and I really didn't like it. I really didn't like it when someone came and knocked at my window at 1 in the morning and I was all alone in my room, and Gary wasn't here to bark. (so i followed the tracks today and this person was sneeky and had long strides) However the more alone time I have, the more time I will have to spend with God and go to him for my comfort.

Trying something new

I doubt that anyone will actually read this since no one knows I have this. However I really like to write my thoughts and happenings, so why not do it here since I used to have a blog on here. About 5 years ago. So lets get started with today.

Today and yesterday made for great memories. My friend Mary and I pretty much spent the weekend together. We went to the school event, Skating for Tukes, and golly gee whizz it was really fun. I took skating lessons several years ago but I am comfortable on the ice and really enjoy it, and it was really fun to go with Mary who hasn't done as much skating. She was so impressive, everytime she was about to fall she caught herself and had such grace. There were a lot of people there obviously that we knew from school, and we just had so much fun! Then after our skating adventure we had a classic "spend the night." I haven't had a spend the night since christmas break, and for girls it is so much fun, because we just talk and talk and eat chocolate and talk and watch movies, it really is great. So that is exactly what we did, and I am a person who gets really loopy at night and get bonkers so Mary got to witness it, and I personally think that is when I am the most fun to be around because there is nothing holding me back. We woke up with enough time to eat breakfast at 1 and spent some more time together before she made the long walk back to her dorm. Until a few hours later she gave me a call.

Mary got invited by our P.A. to play some broomball and she asked me to come with her. I really thought about saying no because I had a friend coming over at 8 and we were going to play at 7. However I thought about how I really want to be different and try new things and not be afraid of the unknown. So I bundled up and went to play. I am not a very competitive person when it comes to really physical games because I get very intimidated and back down. However Mary takes it by the horns and runs. She was so impressive, we played with a few other girls and some guys and she was as good if not better than the guys. The only thing that bugs me is that when you play with guys they're always very considerate of girls but they always yell at you and tell you what to do and make you feel dumb and like they don't want you on their team. Oh well poo on them because I enjoyed myself.

After that adventure I came back to my room and my friend Alex came over and we watched the best movie in the world. The Adventures of Milo and Otis I haven't watched this movie in years, and man was it worth it. Alex was the perfect person to watch it with because we both share a love for baby animals, and we played with playdough and played some wii and had a good time. It's nice to just hang out with a guy and have no pressures and be yourself because they're a good friend. So a thanks goes out to Alex.

Lastly, I have this little issue. I really do not like Valentines day. I haven't had a good one, therefore I hate it and I really don't think anything is going to change with it soon. When I think of valentine's day, it reminds me of rough past relationships, and its another day to rub it in my face that I am not in a relationship. Ahhh what an enjoyable thing. So as I sit here and listen to my Frank Sinatra I have one thing to ask of valentines day this year. That something good happens, nothing out of this world, I am not asking for a huge romantic deal since it's not going to happen. But something small, and I know my parents are going to send me stuff as they always do and I thank them for that since they love me. But all I want is a Daisy. That's all. My favorite flower, just one.