Not so sure I am ready...

You know how staples has the easy button? I want the give up button. I have learned that I am the type of person who can take a lot in, but then struggles to deal with all of it. There have been some changes going on at home that were well unexpected and unspoken of. I have a hard time walking into problems, a really hard time because I would rather give up. Also leaving school yesterday was no easy task, it seems like when you reach the end of something everything has to come to surface. I am thankful that God has blessed me with the ability to make people feel comfortable around me, and trust me, but it is not an easy thing to carry with you. I try my hardest to be a selfless person, but I can take that to the extreme and not take care of myself. But when you take care of everyone else. it is a real challenge to manage yourself as well. I have always been the type of person who feels awful when I tell people what I am struggling with, or what is bothering me because I feel like I am being an unwanted or needed burden. So I keep it to myself and continue to skip along with life.



So this summer I felt called to work at a summer camp. In all seriousness I have no clue why. I have never gone to camp and never worked at a camp. That just really isn't my style, I mean come on I worked at a tanning salon forever, and that was like a perfect job for me. So obviously God has something planned, but I have not a stinkin clue. Right now I really don't feel like I am a strong enough person for the job. I don't even feel like I am a strong enough person for life at this point. I think it is because I feel so scatter brained, and so scattered in my heart. My life is so busy right now in every area, I mean I even forgot that my birthday was next week...how sad. And not only do I feel unprepared for this summer, I don't want to have my head in the wrong world so to speak. I have been trusting in God to put my brain and heart in the right place so that it is honoring Him and His plan, but also to save my heart, which is still stretched quite thin. Trusting and having faith are two of the hardest things.



Not only am I worried about this summer and what is going to happen, but also about next fall. I just feel like I can hardly see in front of me. Like I am just looking through a small hole in the wall of what is going to happen, as if I have lost control. And if you know me, I don't like not being in control...at all. I have a lot of different pressures riding on me for the fall from all over the map, and it makes me really worried that I am going to push out or away something that I shouldn't. So I guess today is one of those days where I wish I was in elementary school, and the only worry on my mind is what we are having for dinner and if I can stay up late. Oh man, what a life that would be...