Birthday and a window seat

Well my birthday is complete. Just another day in the year that has gone past and will surely come again next year. It was really cool I guess just to hear from everyone. I am almost positive if there was no facebook, no one would have remembered it was actually my birthday but that is alright. It was really funny too because everyone I knew from high school just wrote me something on my facebook wall, while everyone from Spring Arbor made a point to call me. Oh the differences in friendships. It was a good birthday overall, Ash and I played WAY too much guitar hero and for a short time we paused and I got my tennis lesson from the #1 player at MSU (woohoo) that actually was really fun. Cool birthday all in all just not what I have been used to in the past.
So along with all the birthday madness I left for London last night. It seems it's not easy for me to get to where I need to in a timely manner. We hit 275 going to the airport and the had closed it down completely on one side of the high way and we had sat there for almost and hour and waited to get through. Then went through Livonia and a lot of surface streets to get there. Luckily my plane was 15 minutes late and NO ONE was in Detroit. So I got through everything really fast, had enough time to use the bathroom then headed over to Philly. I thought I was going to have my hour lay over but boy was I wrong. I had to switch terminals and they don't make that easy to do there, there is no underground system or anything to connect them so you have to take a bus. And I had to go from F to A. That alone took a good 10 minutes. So they let me off at A1 and my gate was A26...the last gate. And I was thinking that it wouldn't be that far. Boy was I wrong. I was at gate A16ish when they called the final boarding call for my flight. I ran and ran and ran and was like the last person on the plane. It was a close call but I made it. And thankfully no one was sitting next to me so I was able to stretch out and sleep. But I think one of the coolest things, well two were that when we were coming into Philly there was a baseball game going on and you could see it perfectly and that was awesome. Then as we were flying to London I looked out the window and all around me was stars and the water below. It was really really cool.

365 days of 18 complete

So obviously tomorrow is my birthday. Every year, the night before my birthday I try to take some time to reflect on the past year. I usually write it down, see all of the changes, and I usually go outside to see the splendors of God. I thought, since the blog is enabled I would write down the year here. So here I go
*Became an adult
*Had 25 of my friends go to a midnight movie and skip school
*Graduated High School
*Went up north with friends
*Spent a summer doing nothing
*patched up bad relationships
*moved away
*made new friends
*shared a room with someone else for the first time
*shared a bathroom with someone else for the first time
*sprained my foot when I fell of a light post in my rain boots
*went to cedar bend
*learned how to jump my van
*had my wisdom teeth removed
*was dorothy in front of my entire student body
*became a BAMF (according to alex)
*survived a tornado
*visited MSU several times
*told Chad Henne to "suck it"
*my brother came home from Iraq = )
*Had a giant picture of myself in the mall
*taught Muff 1 how to really dance
* fell down the library stairs and felt the pain
*went snowmobiling for the first time
*switched roomates
*met captain jack sparrow <3
*said a lot of goodbyes
*found out what i really means to say goodbye
*found out how it feels when you run out of money
*was a penpal to a 2nd grader
*had several children think i was a mom at JATA
*became a PA
*let my roomate cut my hair
*spent the night at the baseball stadium...with m&m
*moved back home
*gained a sister-in-law
*started knowing God on a whole new level
*had a sweet year.

Woah, lets grow up!

So my birthday is this Sunday. (woohoo). I will be the whopping 19 which is just one of those birthday's that isn't really special. Every birthday should have it's own little sparkle but, 19, 17,15,26 you know the birthdays where it's not like wow now you a re an adult, now you can buy alcohol just another year gone by. But as I have noticed my birthday approaching it's not like it used to be. I am not as excited. I mean, I know it's coming but it's not like when I was younger and I just wanted that day to come and to open presents early, I know where my presents sit at this very moment and if I really wanted to know I could go look, but that would take away the magic of my birthday. Along with this loosing the umph of my birthday is the fact that I am not in school, so it's not like something is happening at school like in high school, I am not having a get together due to one of my gifts, and I'm not at college where I would have gone out and done something. It is just an at home, with my family birthday nothing big like I am used to. I mean come on, last year I had 25 people go to a midnight movie, all say happy birthday at midnight, then it was senior skip day, and I got a Wii and brand new iPod. Talk about one heck of a birthday. But this one actually does put last year to shame a little bit. Good old Aunt Faith. My mom gave her my birthday list by request and joking around I wrote on my list trip to Europe. Lucky me, that's what Aunt Faith picked. So the day after my birthday I leave Detroit Michigan, have a quick stop in Philly and then straight into heathrow. I get to spend the week in London again. Talk about being blessed. On a whim I get to go back to my favorite city. 3 years in a row I have been able to go to Europe, tell me how many middle class girls get to do that. God blesses me in extraordinary ways, maybe not what I would expect. I guess I expect God to bless me on a regular, what my mind could fathom level. But my God doesn't do that, he blesses me in ways I thought to be impossible.

Cleaned Out....Finally.

Over the past few days I have been working on cleaning out my stuff that is here at home, and my stuff at school so I have what I need for the summer and fall all set. Besides the literal cleaning out if my "stuff" today I took the liberty to clean out my emotional "stuff". The past couple of days have been interesting because I have had ample time to think, and it is somewhat annoying because your brain goes kinda crazy. I have been really upset, and really happy all at the same time. There is stuff that I am still struggling with and I hope that things will change as I embark the summer. But along with all of that stuff today I went to put new memories into my memory box, and I noticed my box was sort of full. So I went through it to realize that most of that box is filled with memories of my past relationship. My ex and I had been talking earlier this school year and we were working on just having a civil friendship and getting past our past. However, a little while ago all contact was cut of at his end with no explanation and I was just sort of like....okay. So I was praying about it and I just kept thinking you know this person was in my life at a certain time for a certain reason and now that time is past, so now is the time that I need to move past it. So today I literally threw away this person. I am not going to lie-it was an amazing feeling. After pain and brokenness for a few years I knew that I was totally fine with getting rid of all of it. So I ripped, shredded, and cut up everything. I filled the trash can in my room. (look at the picture) doing that, along with taking this person off of my phone, my instant message, and just being gone has helped so much. I am so glad it is all gone so I can go on with other things.

Not so sure I am ready...

You know how staples has the easy button? I want the give up button. I have learned that I am the type of person who can take a lot in, but then struggles to deal with all of it. There have been some changes going on at home that were well unexpected and unspoken of. I have a hard time walking into problems, a really hard time because I would rather give up. Also leaving school yesterday was no easy task, it seems like when you reach the end of something everything has to come to surface. I am thankful that God has blessed me with the ability to make people feel comfortable around me, and trust me, but it is not an easy thing to carry with you. I try my hardest to be a selfless person, but I can take that to the extreme and not take care of myself. But when you take care of everyone else. it is a real challenge to manage yourself as well. I have always been the type of person who feels awful when I tell people what I am struggling with, or what is bothering me because I feel like I am being an unwanted or needed burden. So I keep it to myself and continue to skip along with life.



So this summer I felt called to work at a summer camp. In all seriousness I have no clue why. I have never gone to camp and never worked at a camp. That just really isn't my style, I mean come on I worked at a tanning salon forever, and that was like a perfect job for me. So obviously God has something planned, but I have not a stinkin clue. Right now I really don't feel like I am a strong enough person for the job. I don't even feel like I am a strong enough person for life at this point. I think it is because I feel so scatter brained, and so scattered in my heart. My life is so busy right now in every area, I mean I even forgot that my birthday was next week...how sad. And not only do I feel unprepared for this summer, I don't want to have my head in the wrong world so to speak. I have been trusting in God to put my brain and heart in the right place so that it is honoring Him and His plan, but also to save my heart, which is still stretched quite thin. Trusting and having faith are two of the hardest things.



Not only am I worried about this summer and what is going to happen, but also about next fall. I just feel like I can hardly see in front of me. Like I am just looking through a small hole in the wall of what is going to happen, as if I have lost control. And if you know me, I don't like not being in control...at all. I have a lot of different pressures riding on me for the fall from all over the map, and it makes me really worried that I am going to push out or away something that I shouldn't. So I guess today is one of those days where I wish I was in elementary school, and the only worry on my mind is what we are having for dinner and if I can stay up late. Oh man, what a life that would be...

As the wind blows over the plains

Everyone here at Spring Arbor keeps talking about God's timing. Something that none of us can really explain, and have no control over. However, everyday we wish we did and try to think that we do. It could be small things like walking into the DC at the right time for dinner, so that you end up sitting with your friend and have a great conversation. Or having you go to the right school and do the right things to meet the right people. We all love to look back at times and go "okay God, I understand that now, thanks!" But when you are waiting for that moment to come, it seems like it is so far away that God will have to move heaven and earth for you to get there. I think that is a good way to sum up what a lot of people have been feeling that I have been talking to.

Along with this timing scenario, my friend Nicole and I have had the opportunity to have more of our serious life chats. With her roommate, and mine occupying their time with their male companions, we always hang out with each other when they're gone. (Even though Nicole has her boyfriend, I appreciate that she spends the time with me) The other night she was helping my with my packing and we were talking about what a weird time in your life college is. The fact that you are somewhat in limbo, you are no longer really under the control of mom and dad, but you don't have control over everything. Then we got to talking about how this year of course has gone by fast, and that only have 3 years left is really nothing in the big picture. And when those 3 years are up who knows whats going to happen and there will come a point when someone depends on you. That one really kicked us in the pants. We were talking about how it seems like our parents know everything. Like I call my Mom about pretty much everything- if I don't know how to do something mom does. If something breaks, money comes short, how to fix something Dad takes care of it. Time and time again. My parents have given me a wonderful lifestyle, which I am sure will catch up with me. They do SO much for me, and now I have started to take advantage of it = ) BUT Nicole and I were wondering how in the world are we going to become that knowledgeable and useful? Life knowledge doesn't come in a small package along with our degrees. What happens when we have children of their own and we are their source for everything...eekers. So we decided we are glad to have this time to sort of learn and float through life.

To wrap this up, I am SO nervous about this summer. I called SpringHill Monday to make sure they received my contract and 8 other sheets of random information that they needed to have. I have never done the whole summer camp scenario and I have never been gone my entire summer working, especially somewhere that I have never been. Thats how I know this is a calling from God. I am not the type of person to seek out big things that I have never done before. Thats why I was so surprised when I got a full summer job, EXACTLY where I wanted it. That's how I knew this whole scenario was God, it's not just luck. But the fact that I have 2 1/2 weeks at home is a little eerie to me. This weekend when my parents, sister, grandma, aunt, uncle and counsins came down for mothers day I got really upset that I didn't get to go home with them. I miss being at home, I love to spend time with my parents because they are my best friends. I love to spend time with my sister because very soon I know she won't be as close anymore, and that is weird. AND don't forget my FAVORITE thing about home, G-Unit. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my dog. If you don't have a dog, and one like Gary, you don't understand. I am sure you think I am stupid to love a black lab who just sits in my house. But he is more than that, he reminds me of God oddly enough.

Time Stinks

I don't know if I am getting anxiety about something or if something has caused this feeling but I feel exhausted. Not like I don't want to wake up for classes, like emotionally exhausted. Everyone reaches a point where they just need a break. A break from people and life and everything that follows those things. But I can't find a break. There is literally no time, not until Christmas. I am sure if I really wanted to today I could get away but I would never do that because I would feel extreme guilt because I didn't do anything in a day, so it was wasted.

I am really sick of thinking the same thoughts, or going through the motions that I do everyday and having no feeling. I have the pressure to have on the happy face, the one that everyone knows. Of course everyone has a bad day and whatever but this comes down to other things I guess. I don't really know how to say it. I am tried of people saying yea we are friends....but hardly. Or people talk to you because they have to or you have something they want. I love to work with people but they are probably the most frustrating thing I will encounter. Usually I will confront these problems with the people I share them with or confront them with the people I know care, but in this scenario what is the point in starting to change something when there is hardly any time before change is going to happen that is out of your power.

I guess the best way I can explain this is write a poem about it.....

We are all at the same place at the same time.
We can walk around with our facade secure.
While inside it is in a million pieces.
We look to the other facades,
But we can't find the glue.

We look upon each other and see the joy,
We wonder how to get it into our armor.
A beautiful smile can flash at you,
And behind it tears are pouring.

We pour the constant words to God
And what He gives us is time.
Frustrated we look to others,
All we see is the facades.

We can see others chasing something they see as real
We can see that it is all false.
But we chase the false thing as well.
And only one is sure of the chase.

But they aren't giving answers anytime soon.
We say okay we understand.
Yet we go back to the same false chase.
Confused, confused.

Time is what holds the answer.
Time is what holds the torture.
Time is what holds the happiness.
Time is what we cannot hold on to.