The Sun is Setting

I really can't believe how fast this first year has gone. I was talking to my Dad today and we realized that it was a year ago today that he and I came down here to Spring Arbor to go on my campus tour. I came down thinking that I wasn't going to like it and I was ready to turn them down and go to Michigan State. And then everything changed and obviously I came here. But I really can't fathom how quickly it has gone by. Even from January to now has gone by so stinkin fast. So the thing that is really putting stones in my pale is that time is going by so fast. I remembered today that my birthday is a month away which means that I am going to be 19 very soon and that it has been a year since I graduated high school. And that means I only have 3 more years of college and so much is going to happen within those 3 years that I can't even imagine at this point. 3 years really is not long. Within 3 years a baby isn't even ready for school. What scares me the mot is that after those 3 years are done, what I am I going to do? Where am I going to be? These questions that have been so far off in the distance are now looming closer and closer.

Oh no, it goes this way...

This weekend we had Relay for Life here and it was really awesome. I did that in high school and I love that I was able to do it again and I hope to do it again in the future. But as I was walking with my marvelous friend Mary we got talking about families and our expectations. She and I come from two different homes and that makes things even more interesting to me. So we were talking about jobs and families or whatever and she was saying that she just couldn't imagine not working. Mary is such a hard worker and what she really wants to do for her job is perfect for her. It has everything she likes and she is always active. Where as for me I was explaining that teaching will be great but when it comes to having children and such I really want to have the opportunity to not work and just stay home with my kids. Even though I think it is really important to support my family with my job, I think it is also important for me to support my family in loving and raising them. I seriously would love to just stay home with my kids as long as possible and raise them myself instead of them being raised by someone else along with 10 other kids from 10 other families and 20 or more other parents. I just think it is really interesting when you can talk to your friends about this stuff and not everyone is the same but we are okay that are different and love that about each other.

Secondly I really don't like it when people show two sets of feelings towards you. I feel like there are a lot times when I think I have a close or good friendship with someone but then I realize I am just another friend in the crowd. I of course think that people are generally good by nature so never really see these things. I see the feelings and expression they put before my face. So when people take the time to talk to you and can seem generally concerned and then you find out you are just "another friend" it takes a blow to the relationship. It bothers me a lot and I really hope that I don't do that to others.

I'm okay with that...some aren't.

Last night here at Spring Arbor we had relay for life, and my friend Mary and I decided to participate. I went at 6 when it started to watch the survivors walk and then Mary and I weren't walking until 3 AM. So when Mary and I went walking at 3 we had a lot to talk about, and a lot of time to do it.

She and I always talk about all sorts of different things, life scenarios, what if....would you rather, and just other stories. Well we got into talking about the future (hot topic) and we were talking about jobs and families and raising a family. Mary and I come from two different up bringings and that is really cool. What we were talking about was if we were okay with just not working after having children and just being a stay at home mom. Thats where Mary and I differ. If I didn't want to teach and or need to have a job because of the world we live in, I wouldn't. When the chance comes if I can be at home rather than work I will take it. Not that I am a slacker and don't have dreams or a passion, but when it comes down to having a family that will become more of a passion for me. Being a good spouse, role model, parents all of those things are really important to me. Now I don't want you to think Mary isn't like this, because she is, but she loves to be active and is passionate about what she wants to do. We are just at two different spots.

A Sense of Relief...for a moment

Today was a big day in my little world. The past 3 weeks the only thing that was on my side track mind was this whole Peer Advisor process. Today all of that process finally came to an end. I knew that the answer to this whole thing was going to be in my mailbox by the end of the day, and when I got out of my 3:50 class and came down my hall the pressure was on. All the girls were telling me about how everyone was finding out about PA stuff so I needed to check my mailbox, and I was pleasantly surprised.

So here is the thing about all of this. Everyone just kept telling me oh you'll get it, or you did great I know you will. And I am so thankful for all of these things, but it is just so different when you are the one going through the whole thing. All week I just kept going between I got it or I didn't. One day I was like yeah man I rocked the socks off of those guys. Then two hours later I was like it's okay if you don't get it you will be fine, God has plan for you don't worry about it Emm. Even though I wanted to take in all of the wonderful comments from these people I had a hard time just getting away from my own thoughts and saying its okay emmaleigh its okay.

So i had that sense of relief about the whole PA thing, for about an hour. Then it hit me there is so much to think about and prepare for. Like all of these freshman coming in and whats going on in core, and am I going to be able to handle it and will I be a good PA, will i be able to build the relationships needed, can i do cedar bend on my own? All these crazy things and I get all nervous and excited. I don't want to be a screw up PA. nope no way not me. Ekkkers.

I Think I Found something....

There have been several things that have gone on in my life in the past few weeks that have been an eye opener. If you are unaware, I am at school to become a teacher. I have a passion to share the knowledge I know with others to better them. But I like to teach more than just the sweet facts about history (since I am going to teach social studies), people fascinate me, especially our minds. As I have learned over time there are a lot of girls on my floor that feel really comfortable talking to me and opening up, which I LOVE. And to me one of the most interesting things is the mind of a teenage girl. I recently read the book Body Wars by Dr. Margo Maine and it is an amazing book. Being a girl we analyze everything CONSTANTLY. Because of the society we live in we are always judging and saying if only I had this or wasn't this. But the kicker is that we think we are the only ones who think this way. I know this is how I felt for quite sometime. When I read this book i realized why i was thinking this way and why I don't need to be thinking this way at all. God has made me in the image of himself, he made me just the way I am and I am glad he did, otherwise I wouldn't be me. But a lot of girls do not have this confidence that I do. However, they see it in me. There are seriously so many girls suffering thinking that if they looked differently, guys would like them. I have been there for several years, I have seen my body go through numerous changes and blamed that on why I am not in a relationship. As girls we are supposed to have hips, boobs, thighs and a tummy. If we don't we have messed up periods, an eating disorder, and mega problems having babies. Which is why we are built with curves so we can have children.

I have been talking with a lot of girls lately and telling them the truth, that they are perfect the way they are. But not a one really believes me. So I tell them to write down all the good things. They tell me there is absolutely nothing. OUCH. Girls feel this way because of the images thrown in our faces and the words coming out of guys mouths. Even though I am feeling more comfortable with who I am, it's an uphill battle. Especially when a lot of my friends are in relationships and we hang out and I am the 3rd or 5th wheel. So I was talking to Ron about how I go in and out of being okay with no being in a relationship. Given it is a lot easier since I really don't fancy anyone in particular. But what I am doing is going through the Bible and finding the characteristics of who I want to be and working on those so I am confident when a relationship comes along. And also so that I can find those same characteristics in a mate.

So I am teaching my small group all about this next week and I am really excited because I think it is really important for girls my age. I just really want to do something more, I want to show every girl on this campus how wonderful and beautiful they are.

a day that i never wanted to come

Today is one of those days where I know what is coming and its something I don't really want to deal with but I am going to have to. It is something that I have had in the back of my mind and I really hoped that it wasn't going to happen. But it is. And that's really just the reality of life, things change and happen and it i something that you can't control. Time doesn't stop , or in the words of Damien Rice, Time is contagious. I just hope it all goes well.

Twiddle My Thumbs

There are often days when I wonder what the heck is going on. Or for that matter why everything happens for a reason or why people function the way that they do. Now approaching the end of my first year is a really great thing because this has been an amazing year. And a really quick one. There are really big things that are occurring and coming up in my life that I am really excited about. There are like wise significant changes coming. However there are things in my life that I continue to feel like I am at the end of my rope. But that feeling comes in and out. I have days that things I feel are really clear while there are days that I feel so confused. Those are the days that I really want God to intervene and be like Hey Emmaleigh here is what is going down. Here is what is coming. But he isn't going to do that. I understand. But I have been praying that I would have become more patient and I have seen the opportunities that God has given me for those things. Yet there are just those days when I say grr and just really want a definate answer. But I feel like there is probably something at my end that I am just not understanding or something that I am just not doing right. I wonder if I am praying right or if I have my words all mixed up and I am asking for all the wrong things. I don't know I just feel really confused and I wish I didn't. But then I guess I should pray about that too. = ) I think one of the most difficult things is that I have had the opportunity to have something that I really enjoyed and now I long for that same feeling back and it's not coming in "my" time frame. God has things planned for me in his time frame because he knows what is coming or what is going. That power is so amazing. Because God is amazing. Everyday there are new beautiful things revealed to me. I wish I could just apply it and keep up. I have noticed as I get older and the factor of time becomes more prevalent your mind starts to work a little differently in the sense of priorities. Oh growing up......