Not so sure I am ready...

You know how staples has the easy button? I want the give up button. I have learned that I am the type of person who can take a lot in, but then struggles to deal with all of it. There have been some changes going on at home that were well unexpected and unspoken of. I have a hard time walking into problems, a really hard time because I would rather give up. Also leaving school yesterday was no easy task, it seems like when you reach the end of something everything has to come to surface. I am thankful that God has blessed me with the ability to make people feel comfortable around me, and trust me, but it is not an easy thing to carry with you. I try my hardest to be a selfless person, but I can take that to the extreme and not take care of myself. But when you take care of everyone else. it is a real challenge to manage yourself as well. I have always been the type of person who feels awful when I tell people what I am struggling with, or what is bothering me because I feel like I am being an unwanted or needed burden. So I keep it to myself and continue to skip along with life.



So this summer I felt called to work at a summer camp. In all seriousness I have no clue why. I have never gone to camp and never worked at a camp. That just really isn't my style, I mean come on I worked at a tanning salon forever, and that was like a perfect job for me. So obviously God has something planned, but I have not a stinkin clue. Right now I really don't feel like I am a strong enough person for the job. I don't even feel like I am a strong enough person for life at this point. I think it is because I feel so scatter brained, and so scattered in my heart. My life is so busy right now in every area, I mean I even forgot that my birthday was next week...how sad. And not only do I feel unprepared for this summer, I don't want to have my head in the wrong world so to speak. I have been trusting in God to put my brain and heart in the right place so that it is honoring Him and His plan, but also to save my heart, which is still stretched quite thin. Trusting and having faith are two of the hardest things.



Not only am I worried about this summer and what is going to happen, but also about next fall. I just feel like I can hardly see in front of me. Like I am just looking through a small hole in the wall of what is going to happen, as if I have lost control. And if you know me, I don't like not being in control...at all. I have a lot of different pressures riding on me for the fall from all over the map, and it makes me really worried that I am going to push out or away something that I shouldn't. So I guess today is one of those days where I wish I was in elementary school, and the only worry on my mind is what we are having for dinner and if I can stay up late. Oh man, what a life that would be...

As the wind blows over the plains

Everyone here at Spring Arbor keeps talking about God's timing. Something that none of us can really explain, and have no control over. However, everyday we wish we did and try to think that we do. It could be small things like walking into the DC at the right time for dinner, so that you end up sitting with your friend and have a great conversation. Or having you go to the right school and do the right things to meet the right people. We all love to look back at times and go "okay God, I understand that now, thanks!" But when you are waiting for that moment to come, it seems like it is so far away that God will have to move heaven and earth for you to get there. I think that is a good way to sum up what a lot of people have been feeling that I have been talking to.

Along with this timing scenario, my friend Nicole and I have had the opportunity to have more of our serious life chats. With her roommate, and mine occupying their time with their male companions, we always hang out with each other when they're gone. (Even though Nicole has her boyfriend, I appreciate that she spends the time with me) The other night she was helping my with my packing and we were talking about what a weird time in your life college is. The fact that you are somewhat in limbo, you are no longer really under the control of mom and dad, but you don't have control over everything. Then we got to talking about how this year of course has gone by fast, and that only have 3 years left is really nothing in the big picture. And when those 3 years are up who knows whats going to happen and there will come a point when someone depends on you. That one really kicked us in the pants. We were talking about how it seems like our parents know everything. Like I call my Mom about pretty much everything- if I don't know how to do something mom does. If something breaks, money comes short, how to fix something Dad takes care of it. Time and time again. My parents have given me a wonderful lifestyle, which I am sure will catch up with me. They do SO much for me, and now I have started to take advantage of it = ) BUT Nicole and I were wondering how in the world are we going to become that knowledgeable and useful? Life knowledge doesn't come in a small package along with our degrees. What happens when we have children of their own and we are their source for everything...eekers. So we decided we are glad to have this time to sort of learn and float through life.

To wrap this up, I am SO nervous about this summer. I called SpringHill Monday to make sure they received my contract and 8 other sheets of random information that they needed to have. I have never done the whole summer camp scenario and I have never been gone my entire summer working, especially somewhere that I have never been. Thats how I know this is a calling from God. I am not the type of person to seek out big things that I have never done before. Thats why I was so surprised when I got a full summer job, EXACTLY where I wanted it. That's how I knew this whole scenario was God, it's not just luck. But the fact that I have 2 1/2 weeks at home is a little eerie to me. This weekend when my parents, sister, grandma, aunt, uncle and counsins came down for mothers day I got really upset that I didn't get to go home with them. I miss being at home, I love to spend time with my parents because they are my best friends. I love to spend time with my sister because very soon I know she won't be as close anymore, and that is weird. AND don't forget my FAVORITE thing about home, G-Unit. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my dog. If you don't have a dog, and one like Gary, you don't understand. I am sure you think I am stupid to love a black lab who just sits in my house. But he is more than that, he reminds me of God oddly enough.

Time Stinks

I don't know if I am getting anxiety about something or if something has caused this feeling but I feel exhausted. Not like I don't want to wake up for classes, like emotionally exhausted. Everyone reaches a point where they just need a break. A break from people and life and everything that follows those things. But I can't find a break. There is literally no time, not until Christmas. I am sure if I really wanted to today I could get away but I would never do that because I would feel extreme guilt because I didn't do anything in a day, so it was wasted.

I am really sick of thinking the same thoughts, or going through the motions that I do everyday and having no feeling. I have the pressure to have on the happy face, the one that everyone knows. Of course everyone has a bad day and whatever but this comes down to other things I guess. I don't really know how to say it. I am tried of people saying yea we are friends....but hardly. Or people talk to you because they have to or you have something they want. I love to work with people but they are probably the most frustrating thing I will encounter. Usually I will confront these problems with the people I share them with or confront them with the people I know care, but in this scenario what is the point in starting to change something when there is hardly any time before change is going to happen that is out of your power.

I guess the best way I can explain this is write a poem about it.....

We are all at the same place at the same time.
We can walk around with our facade secure.
While inside it is in a million pieces.
We look to the other facades,
But we can't find the glue.

We look upon each other and see the joy,
We wonder how to get it into our armor.
A beautiful smile can flash at you,
And behind it tears are pouring.

We pour the constant words to God
And what He gives us is time.
Frustrated we look to others,
All we see is the facades.

We can see others chasing something they see as real
We can see that it is all false.
But we chase the false thing as well.
And only one is sure of the chase.

But they aren't giving answers anytime soon.
We say okay we understand.
Yet we go back to the same false chase.
Confused, confused.

Time is what holds the answer.
Time is what holds the torture.
Time is what holds the happiness.
Time is what we cannot hold on to.

The Sun is Setting

I really can't believe how fast this first year has gone. I was talking to my Dad today and we realized that it was a year ago today that he and I came down here to Spring Arbor to go on my campus tour. I came down thinking that I wasn't going to like it and I was ready to turn them down and go to Michigan State. And then everything changed and obviously I came here. But I really can't fathom how quickly it has gone by. Even from January to now has gone by so stinkin fast. So the thing that is really putting stones in my pale is that time is going by so fast. I remembered today that my birthday is a month away which means that I am going to be 19 very soon and that it has been a year since I graduated high school. And that means I only have 3 more years of college and so much is going to happen within those 3 years that I can't even imagine at this point. 3 years really is not long. Within 3 years a baby isn't even ready for school. What scares me the mot is that after those 3 years are done, what I am I going to do? Where am I going to be? These questions that have been so far off in the distance are now looming closer and closer.

Oh no, it goes this way...

This weekend we had Relay for Life here and it was really awesome. I did that in high school and I love that I was able to do it again and I hope to do it again in the future. But as I was walking with my marvelous friend Mary we got talking about families and our expectations. She and I come from two different homes and that makes things even more interesting to me. So we were talking about jobs and families or whatever and she was saying that she just couldn't imagine not working. Mary is such a hard worker and what she really wants to do for her job is perfect for her. It has everything she likes and she is always active. Where as for me I was explaining that teaching will be great but when it comes to having children and such I really want to have the opportunity to not work and just stay home with my kids. Even though I think it is really important to support my family with my job, I think it is also important for me to support my family in loving and raising them. I seriously would love to just stay home with my kids as long as possible and raise them myself instead of them being raised by someone else along with 10 other kids from 10 other families and 20 or more other parents. I just think it is really interesting when you can talk to your friends about this stuff and not everyone is the same but we are okay that are different and love that about each other.

Secondly I really don't like it when people show two sets of feelings towards you. I feel like there are a lot times when I think I have a close or good friendship with someone but then I realize I am just another friend in the crowd. I of course think that people are generally good by nature so never really see these things. I see the feelings and expression they put before my face. So when people take the time to talk to you and can seem generally concerned and then you find out you are just "another friend" it takes a blow to the relationship. It bothers me a lot and I really hope that I don't do that to others.

I'm okay with that...some aren't.

Last night here at Spring Arbor we had relay for life, and my friend Mary and I decided to participate. I went at 6 when it started to watch the survivors walk and then Mary and I weren't walking until 3 AM. So when Mary and I went walking at 3 we had a lot to talk about, and a lot of time to do it.

She and I always talk about all sorts of different things, life scenarios, what if....would you rather, and just other stories. Well we got into talking about the future (hot topic) and we were talking about jobs and families and raising a family. Mary and I come from two different up bringings and that is really cool. What we were talking about was if we were okay with just not working after having children and just being a stay at home mom. Thats where Mary and I differ. If I didn't want to teach and or need to have a job because of the world we live in, I wouldn't. When the chance comes if I can be at home rather than work I will take it. Not that I am a slacker and don't have dreams or a passion, but when it comes down to having a family that will become more of a passion for me. Being a good spouse, role model, parents all of those things are really important to me. Now I don't want you to think Mary isn't like this, because she is, but she loves to be active and is passionate about what she wants to do. We are just at two different spots.

A Sense of Relief...for a moment

Today was a big day in my little world. The past 3 weeks the only thing that was on my side track mind was this whole Peer Advisor process. Today all of that process finally came to an end. I knew that the answer to this whole thing was going to be in my mailbox by the end of the day, and when I got out of my 3:50 class and came down my hall the pressure was on. All the girls were telling me about how everyone was finding out about PA stuff so I needed to check my mailbox, and I was pleasantly surprised.

So here is the thing about all of this. Everyone just kept telling me oh you'll get it, or you did great I know you will. And I am so thankful for all of these things, but it is just so different when you are the one going through the whole thing. All week I just kept going between I got it or I didn't. One day I was like yeah man I rocked the socks off of those guys. Then two hours later I was like it's okay if you don't get it you will be fine, God has plan for you don't worry about it Emm. Even though I wanted to take in all of the wonderful comments from these people I had a hard time just getting away from my own thoughts and saying its okay emmaleigh its okay.

So i had that sense of relief about the whole PA thing, for about an hour. Then it hit me there is so much to think about and prepare for. Like all of these freshman coming in and whats going on in core, and am I going to be able to handle it and will I be a good PA, will i be able to build the relationships needed, can i do cedar bend on my own? All these crazy things and I get all nervous and excited. I don't want to be a screw up PA. nope no way not me. Ekkkers.