Monday: Not the worst day of the week

Monday's are totally the worst day of the week, I haven't found anyone to disagree with me on that one yet. But today Whitney and I decided to change things up due to my sickness. I felt like crap this morning so I decided that I was going to sleep today instead of the rush of all of my classes. But what made today great was that Whitney and I made our room the most comfortable place ever. We pulled our mattresses out of our bunks and put them on the floor where we have been stationed all day. Whitney wasn't feeling to great either so she and I have been here in our room of comfort watching movies and napping. This is how Monday's should be.

Experiences

Experience. A word that is frequent in the english language and seems to be a word that is prevalent in the language of people my age. We are all about getting experience, having an experience, sharing the experience. It seems as though it is a competition to have more and better experiences than anyone else. You want to be the person who has been everywhere, seen it all done it all, but I think this takes away the mystery of God in some ways. Now, I am a person who is all about the experience I am constantly seeking a new experience if I know I am or not. I kind of think of it as building my life resume, having all of these things in hopes of one day being a resource. We have the things that we want to experience but we have the things we don't want to experience, we don't want to experience poverty, hurt, hunger, sickness, pain, death. Yet there we live in a world of hurting people where they are in these experiences.

For P.A. training this year we have been asked to write our stories in 150 words or less. I have had this assignment since May and have been trying to figure out my story. Our stories should be the basic my life before and after but I feel like my life is in the middle. I can't honestly say "look at what the Lord has done and I am now blank, blank and blank." He is in the process of doing those things right now. I was talking this through with my friend last night and he brought this up to me about experiences, and how yeah I don't have this concrete beginning and end Jesus story but I have a handful of experiences. I'm not talking about my experiences like the countries I have gone to, or the jobs and classes I have taken but the things that I have had to endure in life. The things that were not choices of mine but things that significantly made an impact on my life.

So I had my devotional today which was titled "God is Looking for Experienced Help" and I that's when I clued into the things that God was putting in front of my face. The devotional had good points such as "when you go to work for the God and His Kingdom, He will use everything in our past, no matter how painful it was." But what really got me was " look at how you can use the pain for someone else's gain." I started thinking about how I have 16 freshman coming to Spring Arbor that are going to be my "pride and joys" my blessings, my people to love with all of the power I have, plus God's. These 16 people coming here with lives that I have yet to know about and hopefully my pain will be someone else's gain.

Experience. Have it, find it, share it.

A Thought That Is Always on The Surface

It seems like when you are thinking about one thing and it is something that you don't want to be thinking about you hear about it, see it, read it everywhere. Your mind tells yourself that you're trying to block it out but your brain is actually just searching for it to try and really think through it and deal with it. For me this thought or idea has been divorce. It is obviously something in society that is no longer considered unacceptable or wrong but something that is seen more often now than a successful marriage. In films and on T.V. some portion of almost all of them, divorce is peeking through in anyway possible. In my opinion divorce has becoming something of a game, beating the other person in the marriage to file for it, finding someway to cheat in the game and find a loop hole, add up the most divorces, or just quit the game of love with that person.

Divorce is something that has now been the ever looming thought within my mind. I think it might be safe to say today that at some point in your childhood now a days you wonder if you parents will get a divorce and what it would be like. I of course had thought about it and had always passed by the idea of it seeing as though I came from a household with Christian parents and teachings. In 7th grade one of my close friends got a divorce and that was the closest I had ever come to it and I didn't really know what to do and it was weird that some days I had to call them at their dad's and then at their mom's and it was hard to actually think about how my friend felt.

Now this thought that seems to be everywhere has become a fear, something that I never want to experience. It made me think about the way that marriage is portrayed, how poorly how marriage is the end of ride, something that doesn't bring happiness and something that will only get worse with time. I never want that to happen and I don't want to experience a big bad divorce. But I worry because I have seen the "christian" families fall apart. How do you make it work or fix things? How do people settle in and just lose the purpose to marriage? I don't like sin, it's a rat.

Miami is for adventurous foods

Miami is so full of culture other than American. In fact it is quite the challenge to find something "american" down here because of the majority of the people that live here. I work with people who are all from different countries, Cuba, Argentina, France, Panama, Germany, Venezuela, Peru and so on. So when I am at work I hear a lot of spanish and have the opportunity to get a little taste of their world. I was quickly introduced to Cuban coffee which someone in the office goes and buys everyday at 3 pm without fail. And I thought that it would just taste like a rich coffee so the way you drink it is like taking a shot of it, so I did and it burned down my throat and in my nose! But it is so addicting and literally wakes you up like 5 minutes. Today I had a Lychee which is a fruit that is originally from Asia and grows down here because of the tropical climate and it looks gross but it was so tasty! My supervisor Rose, who makes me try all these things said that she wants me to experience all of Miami while I am here. Rose is originally from Germany but has lived here for several years and knows how Miami works! Rose taught me the proper way to eat the Lychee and explained to me that usually they're about $8/lb! woo its crazy but they're so unique and good! (pictured above) It is so fun to try all these new foods, while being in good ol' America.

Time Gap

Well, I haven't written a blog in awhile. I guess I just forgot about it but I really do love my blog...when I write in it. If you read my blog you probably know that I am currently stationed in Miami, Florida and it feels like it is a bit of a dream. When I have been here in the past it has always been on vacation and not that this isn't vacation but I'm not just here to have fun, I am here for multiple reasons. I am mainly here to make cheddar and heal from the things that life has thrown onto my path. I have now had the opportunity to spread my wings yet still have a good nest to return to everyday. Being down here with my aunt is really helpful she is a great support system on so many levels and having my internship has really kept me going with not getting caught up in the "lazy summer mode". But now I am really working on healing or maybe even preparing for what is happening at home. Things with my parents are real bad and it is just one of those scenarios where I don't think about it all the time but when I do think about it, I think about it a lot. It seems like there is a lot of "breaking up" of homes and families right now and it's really a challenge to know that I am in that boat. It is also really weird to step back and see that so many of my friends actually haven't gone through this type of situation, and the friends that have don't talk about it or when I ask somewhat casually blow me off on the topic. So it's like my brain is in a bubble over here to the left, and my heart is in a bubble in the middle while my life bubble has already been popped and things just aren't coming together.

However, God has really opened my eyes and heart to Faith and what it means to me or having a better understanding of it. I am reading Isaiah and Matthew at the same time and I read Matthew last summer and I haven't read Isaiah before and I just see the Faith that is going on in Isaiah and of course Jesus and the people he encounters. When I read through Isaiah sometimes I find myself going through it and thinking yeah this is just another Bible story and then I stop to think about how big, and powerful and mysterious God is, it is amazing. So as I am reading through Isaiah and thinking these things and I start to think why don't I have the Faith in God that I need to have? This is telling me about God and to not have fear and to just have Faith that God is going to do what he says. So then I look at the Faith of the people that are reaching out to Jesus and have no doubt that he is going to heal them and do exactly as he has said. So I have been really trying to apply that to my life and I have been trying to do a lot of that through prayer and having Faith in what I am praying for and really believing what the Bible says about Prayer. So the first thing was having Faith that I was going to get a job this summer and I never doubt it, I trusted and had Faith because I had already prayed about it so I had to have the Faith and know God was going to come through, and He did, times two hopefully. And I have to have Faith with this job that I am doing because I have such a fear of failure but I know that I have God and his strength and I won't fail because I have faith. So also with reading Matthew and Isaiah I've really noticed the obedience, so I underlined so many parts where someone is told to do something and it says they got up and did so immediately. And I was reading about obedience and how it is something where when God tells us to do something and we don't take action right away it or just ignore it, it is disobedience and nobody wants to disobey God. Lastly, I have been learning about the power of my words. My mom and I have talked about this so much lately so I have been noticing it more and more in scripture so I have been recently examining my words and trying to choose them very carefully

It is quite the roller coaster in my brain. I'll keep you posted blog-followers.

Love,

A Lover.

Education Through Imagination

I seriously can't understand the way that some people process their thoughts. I understand that everyone has a different way of doing that task and usually it differs between the genders. Today however I am puzzled by the thoughts and actions of some gals. Things happen in life that just some what create a "hiccup." Hiccups are always unexpected, you can't predict them they just happen and you have to deal with it. I think that is the best way to explain what is going on.

People challenge each other daily, thats how we work, thats how we grow. Sometimes I find it hard however to see the growth or to view a situation in the light of it being a growing opportunity. It seems to me that the challenges we face are within the areas of our life we feel most confident. Right now that is my education class and my relationship.

The hardest part I feel is the truth that I cannot control other people. I can only control myself. I am finding myself having to look at situations that seem to be a simple thing and look at them in a deep and complex way, or a new light. Each day is a challenge. I wake up every morning feeling the weight and extreme stress of the day ahead of me. The unfortunate truth is that I cannot see past the day I am living in. There are so many things that are due, people to talk to, tasks to complete, emails to send, homework to finish that I have to live hour by hour. Yet in the back of my mind the next day's stress is already looming inside of me. So when these hiccups occur my stress goes through the roof and I find myself getting lost in my day and feeling completely spent. The good news is...5 weeks until Christmas break. Praise the Lord.

Poem from September 2008

Having a view from above can change everything,
What is seen before us suddenly seems small.
A road block becomes a dot.
A person becomes a figure.
A problem becomes a leaf quickly blown away.

A new view of the things seen daily,
Makes the view wider, larger, and vast.
Observing while someone thinks they're invisable.
Watching the steady steps of confidence,
Or the slow scuffs of discouragement.

The looks of lonliness, without the knowledge of watchful eyes.
We always walk looking straight ahead.
We never think to look up,
And realize someone is watching the path you're walking.

Time

It is something that I lose track of all the time yet am completely aware of at all times. I know from day to day how much time I have to do something or get somewhere. However, at the same time my mind is puzzled and baffled at the time that is to come. I think about the future and wonder what is in front of me that I can't see yet. I feel the pressures to complete things quickly with the fear of running out of time. A year is a long time, but when you are wrapped up in things that only last a year...that time is nothing. Time is just something on my mind that I struggle with.

I think it's time for an update

Clearly my life has continued on since my last blog a few months ago. I guess now would be a good time for me to catch up what has been going on for the past 2 months. I somehow by the grace of God made it through camp this summer. Camp was something that I went into this summer thinking that it would be a breeze and totally fun, when the truth is that it was one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. Every single day I woke up and had to rely on God's wisdom and strength. There were days when I had an amazing morning with my girls, and by the afternoon I would have to walk away from them and remind myself that they are someones child and a child of God, so I need to love them as he would. There was a week when I had a fever and still did every single activity with my campers. I had a lot of family issues this summer and I never let that stop me from teaching them the word of God. Looking back on this summer, I know that God had me there for a purpose. I learned so many lessons that my brain and heart can't even account for all of them at once. I truly started to learn what I means to rely on God, and really do Kingdom work for Him. It was amazing when there were weeks that I had the opportunity to talk to my campers about God and assist them in accepting Christ. Those were the moments that I look back on and I get a smile on my face knowing that these girls lives are going to be totally different from that moment on. I also got a taste of really spending time with kids and getting into their lives. It is helping me with discover if teaching is really what God wants me to do.

After I made it back from camp more than happy to be home, a matter of days later I was back here on campus getting into PA training. PA training was an amazing experience. I am so glad that I got to be a camp counselor this summer because in a lot of ways it helped me prepare for what I was coming into with being a PA this year. I was a little nervous coming into training and having one good friend with me. But as I soon learned being a PA was right where I belong. I already have friendships developing that are wonderful and being a PA is like something I was designed for. I love this job, its not even a job it is just amazing.

Going on to school, I am really shocked at how hard it has been for me so far, and it has only been two weeks. Last week I had a complete panic attack, no breathing, almost passed out, and was just completely overwhelmed. My classes are just a whole new world from what they were last year, and I am still trying to get into a schedule that will be amazing. Also everyone needs to get to know Jesse Spicer. Love of my life.

Children make writing a blog difficult

It has been awhile since I have been able to blog, or for that fact actually think about my own life and not if someone needs to go to the bathroom or has gotten their meds for bedtime. Being a camp counselor I guess has had it's benefits and such but it really is a difficult job. You have to be a parent to 12 kids that aren't yours, love them even though they can be annoying and spread God's word in a way that doesn't scare them. There have been a lot of moments where I have really been tested and there have been a lot more moments where I have learned so much that I couldn't be happier.

This would be my 3 week of being here and actually doing my job, but it really has seen like an eternity at times. Each day is planned out for every 15 minutes and I get 2 hours a day to myself (kinda). It really stinks when you have to wait for your break to come to go to the bathroom because you plain and simple just don't have the time. I have gotten to know about 30 girls so far and it really has been amazing. 8 of my campers ask Christ into their hearts and that to say the least was an amazing experience. Most of the time when it happened I really didn't think it was going to at all, but God was working when I had no idea. That is really one of the only things that keeps me going. I know why I am here now, God sent me here to use me as a tool so that I could do the work that he has placed before me. He has also shown me so many new things and it is SO amazing. I love everything that He is doing in my life.

We're floatin like a bubble

On monday I had a movie due back at blockbuster at noon. So I woke up early with ever intention of returning it on time. But that just didn't happen. After that I decided that there was no point to rush and get it back so I took my sweet time getting ready. I got up that morning and just really wanted to spend time with God. I grabbed my Bible and devotional and when i looked at the cover of my devotional I noticed for the first time that it says "youth devotional". So I opened it up and the first page read that this book was given to me in 2001.....7 years ago. As I flipped through the pages to the right day I saw that almost every page was highlighted and had notes and when I got to the right day it was already highlighted and when I started to read I realized that I remember this lesson. At that point I said to myself....I think it's time for a new one. I went into town to the family christian bookstore and no joke, sat in the devotional aisle for an hour. I read a page out of all of the book except 7 of them. I also prayed and asked God to help me to pick out the right one. I didn't want just an easy read with a minimal lesson. I wanted a devotional that would help me grow. After that hour I found one and I think its pretty awesome because it has a devotional for the morning and evening of each day. So it encourages you to spend even more time with God. And after a small lesson it asks specific question that apply to your life and gives you room to right. I thought it was sweet.

While I was checking out up at the registers I noticed these little Bibles just off the the side so I picked one up just to see what it was and it was just a small ESV of the Bible. Just being curious I asked the lady working how much they were, and she said they were $5. As I started to put it down and forget about it the words flew out of my mouth like I had no control that I would take one. And I was just like ummm okay. So I ended up with another Bible and I wasn't sure why. But when I was driving home I thought about why I did it. Last week at camp I would offer to read a passage at our morning meetings out of my amplified Bible and one girl was like well my translation is completely different from yours so here is what mine says. And I was just kinda like yea this version is so different because it is more for study, and it is probably going to be a lot different than the versions that my campers will have. So that was a reason a long with the fact that if I ever meet someone that really needs a Bible I will be able to give them one because it cost me nothing and its going to help someone SOOO much. So I thanked God that he had me buy that.

That night I was also hanging out with some of my friends from home and we were all over at my house and I just kept looking at my Bible and devotional and I just wanted to read it so bad. I was glad to see my friends but I really wanted to spend time with God, it was such an amazing feeling. I also told my friend all about how I got the little bible and my new devotional and she and I really never talk about that stuff because she is catholic and we never talk about it. So it was really cool that I was so bold to just say it. God is so amazing.

Two more things to share....I wrote a poem today and I just wanted to put it on here because I couldn't find my poem book at the moments. And a you tube video that I watched about 15 times today because I had a rough morning and this guy really helped make today better.

Poem....
bon ami
vous etes proche

bon ami
vous etes extreme

bon ami
vous etes vrai

bon ami
vous etes faux

bon ami
vous etes pas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2eJlkk7nf4

Therapuddy.... does nothing.

So for the past two or three years my wrists hurt constantly and they crack SO loud...it's nasty. I have a high pain tolerance so I didn't really do anything about it, I guess I just always thought it was normal since all of my bones crack that loud. However, none of the rest of them have the pain or are as frequent as my wrist. So this spring I went to my doctor and played him the lovely sound of my wrists and he looked at me and goes "emm thats not right" and I said "yes doctor perry....I've noticed" So he told me that I needed to get an X-ray so we can see what is going on. I got the X-ray and that didn't show anything so I got an MRI and that didn't show much except the fact that my ligaments and tendons are really weak. So my doctor decided the best thing to do would be to get physical therapy. I just kept thinking seriously what is that going to do because moving them hurts and every activity I did in high used my wrists and that made them strong. So I listened to my doctor seeing that he has gone to medical school and went to physical therapy.

So I went and my physical therapist took all the these measurements and whatever and she just sat there for a second and asked me for the like 4th time, "you don't take any pain medication for this?" and I was like no I just deal with it. And she was like I really don't know how you do it. So she started to explain to me what is going on the cracking she believes is from a little bit of them grinding on one another because there isn't enough ligament support there. Then she told me that this physical therapy really isn't going to do much. And I just sitting there thinking...I was right. She told me we can strengthen the muscles that are in my forearm but besides that there isn't much she could do. So she told me about prolotheraphy where you get injections in your ligaments and the make them bigger so they can support better. And I was like well that is going to hurt a little bit. And she told me out get like 10-15 shots in different spots like 5 times. I was like okay yes, maybe something that can help. Debbie Downer point- its like $100 each time and insurance doesn't cover it at all. So that is like $500 out of pocket. ouch. So my therapist gave me some exercises and a deep tissue massage on my arms. Then I got this stuff called therapuddy which is just silly puddy. But so far...no changes.

What have I gotten myself into?

I have been gone for a week to SpringHill and now I am already back at home. To get to this end result I think I have to back to a week ago when it all began. I left last friday afternoon to head up north for a week of all staff training at SpringHill camps so I could be a counselor for the summer. On my drive up I just continued to get more and more nervous about everything that was going on, it really felt like it was the first day of college again for me. I got up there and everyone was going crazy excited and I got through the whole registration process and went up to Copper Country, my part of camp where I was going to be staying. I am not going to lie when my mom left the homesickness started to set in, I was alone with people I didn't know in the forest. And the rest of that night really sucked because I felt so alone. As the week continued we got deeper and deeper into material and we all definitely got deeper and deeper into our relationships with God. However I am still struggling. I have learned so much in the past 7 days that I am completely overwhelmed. There are SO SO SO many details to the job. Not only sticking to your schedule, not losing campers, making sure everyone eats, looking for abuse, knowing where ever shelter area is, what sound means what, what games to play, who needs medication, how to deal with a "dead squirrel", oh and don't forget that you need to give these children so much love and the great news about God and help them every step of the way. It is seriously intense and it is all for the springhill experience. I seriously got so intimidated and weak and had pretty much decided that if after 2 weeks I just couldn't do it I was going to quit I just couldn't handle it. On top of that finding out that my brother would be married on the 20th and I wouldn't be able to attend really made me want to live. OH don't forget the Tornado that hit our camp and took down half our forest and cause MAJOR problems. But mid way through the week our camp director told us that we only have 70% of the campers coming so some people were needed at the other divisions of camp and some people where going to go home. So i came home, their burden was my blessing. But I just don't know if I want or am supposed to go back I need major guidance this week.

What a week, but why?

Obviously I made it home from Europe, and whenever I get back I am always really cranky because I don't like the fact that I had to leave. England is my favorite place that I have been to thus far. What I really like about it is that there are definitely differences from here and there but there are also so many similarities, and don't forget we speak the same language. That earns a gold star. This trip was very different from the other times I was there I only went into London for a day and the rest of my trip was in small English towns west of London. I may have liked that even more than London. It was such a blessing to be there again. When I am there I have no stress and I wake up every morning with a smile for the pure satisfaction of just being happy where I am. I always wonder why God has sent me the places he has. So far I still haven't been able to figure out why I have gone to Europe 3 times and why I have such a great passion for it. While I was there I really started to question this and asked God to show me why he has sent me there. God gives us specific desires, and likes and being there is definitely one of them. One of the reason I know I was there was the opportunity to spend time with my aunt, another was to learn more because I love to learn about history and there is no way you can escape history while you are there. But I just kept thinking while I was there that I just hate the fact that I never know when I am going to go back and the truth is that I want to be there all the time.

So that got my brain going with what I am planning to do with my life or where God wants me to go. I started thinking about teaching, and it is an excellent and amazing profession but I just kept thinking about the truth of it. When you become a teacher you life just sort of settles. You are in one spot for quite sometime and you fit into the mold that is built for you. I am really not sure that is what I want, well right now. I really can't imagine just settling when I am 22 and being okay with it. I don't feel okay with the thought that I won't be able to travel and explore and expand in the ways that I want. So I am praying that God show me the right path and will help me in being able to do what is right for me and be in the right place and use my gifts.

All in all my short trip was great. You can see all my pictures from my trip on facebook. :-)

Birthday and a window seat

Well my birthday is complete. Just another day in the year that has gone past and will surely come again next year. It was really cool I guess just to hear from everyone. I am almost positive if there was no facebook, no one would have remembered it was actually my birthday but that is alright. It was really funny too because everyone I knew from high school just wrote me something on my facebook wall, while everyone from Spring Arbor made a point to call me. Oh the differences in friendships. It was a good birthday overall, Ash and I played WAY too much guitar hero and for a short time we paused and I got my tennis lesson from the #1 player at MSU (woohoo) that actually was really fun. Cool birthday all in all just not what I have been used to in the past.
So along with all the birthday madness I left for London last night. It seems it's not easy for me to get to where I need to in a timely manner. We hit 275 going to the airport and the had closed it down completely on one side of the high way and we had sat there for almost and hour and waited to get through. Then went through Livonia and a lot of surface streets to get there. Luckily my plane was 15 minutes late and NO ONE was in Detroit. So I got through everything really fast, had enough time to use the bathroom then headed over to Philly. I thought I was going to have my hour lay over but boy was I wrong. I had to switch terminals and they don't make that easy to do there, there is no underground system or anything to connect them so you have to take a bus. And I had to go from F to A. That alone took a good 10 minutes. So they let me off at A1 and my gate was A26...the last gate. And I was thinking that it wouldn't be that far. Boy was I wrong. I was at gate A16ish when they called the final boarding call for my flight. I ran and ran and ran and was like the last person on the plane. It was a close call but I made it. And thankfully no one was sitting next to me so I was able to stretch out and sleep. But I think one of the coolest things, well two were that when we were coming into Philly there was a baseball game going on and you could see it perfectly and that was awesome. Then as we were flying to London I looked out the window and all around me was stars and the water below. It was really really cool.

365 days of 18 complete

So obviously tomorrow is my birthday. Every year, the night before my birthday I try to take some time to reflect on the past year. I usually write it down, see all of the changes, and I usually go outside to see the splendors of God. I thought, since the blog is enabled I would write down the year here. So here I go
*Became an adult
*Had 25 of my friends go to a midnight movie and skip school
*Graduated High School
*Went up north with friends
*Spent a summer doing nothing
*patched up bad relationships
*moved away
*made new friends
*shared a room with someone else for the first time
*shared a bathroom with someone else for the first time
*sprained my foot when I fell of a light post in my rain boots
*went to cedar bend
*learned how to jump my van
*had my wisdom teeth removed
*was dorothy in front of my entire student body
*became a BAMF (according to alex)
*survived a tornado
*visited MSU several times
*told Chad Henne to "suck it"
*my brother came home from Iraq = )
*Had a giant picture of myself in the mall
*taught Muff 1 how to really dance
* fell down the library stairs and felt the pain
*went snowmobiling for the first time
*switched roomates
*met captain jack sparrow <3
*said a lot of goodbyes
*found out what i really means to say goodbye
*found out how it feels when you run out of money
*was a penpal to a 2nd grader
*had several children think i was a mom at JATA
*became a PA
*let my roomate cut my hair
*spent the night at the baseball stadium...with m&m
*moved back home
*gained a sister-in-law
*started knowing God on a whole new level
*had a sweet year.

Woah, lets grow up!

So my birthday is this Sunday. (woohoo). I will be the whopping 19 which is just one of those birthday's that isn't really special. Every birthday should have it's own little sparkle but, 19, 17,15,26 you know the birthdays where it's not like wow now you a re an adult, now you can buy alcohol just another year gone by. But as I have noticed my birthday approaching it's not like it used to be. I am not as excited. I mean, I know it's coming but it's not like when I was younger and I just wanted that day to come and to open presents early, I know where my presents sit at this very moment and if I really wanted to know I could go look, but that would take away the magic of my birthday. Along with this loosing the umph of my birthday is the fact that I am not in school, so it's not like something is happening at school like in high school, I am not having a get together due to one of my gifts, and I'm not at college where I would have gone out and done something. It is just an at home, with my family birthday nothing big like I am used to. I mean come on, last year I had 25 people go to a midnight movie, all say happy birthday at midnight, then it was senior skip day, and I got a Wii and brand new iPod. Talk about one heck of a birthday. But this one actually does put last year to shame a little bit. Good old Aunt Faith. My mom gave her my birthday list by request and joking around I wrote on my list trip to Europe. Lucky me, that's what Aunt Faith picked. So the day after my birthday I leave Detroit Michigan, have a quick stop in Philly and then straight into heathrow. I get to spend the week in London again. Talk about being blessed. On a whim I get to go back to my favorite city. 3 years in a row I have been able to go to Europe, tell me how many middle class girls get to do that. God blesses me in extraordinary ways, maybe not what I would expect. I guess I expect God to bless me on a regular, what my mind could fathom level. But my God doesn't do that, he blesses me in ways I thought to be impossible.

Cleaned Out....Finally.

Over the past few days I have been working on cleaning out my stuff that is here at home, and my stuff at school so I have what I need for the summer and fall all set. Besides the literal cleaning out if my "stuff" today I took the liberty to clean out my emotional "stuff". The past couple of days have been interesting because I have had ample time to think, and it is somewhat annoying because your brain goes kinda crazy. I have been really upset, and really happy all at the same time. There is stuff that I am still struggling with and I hope that things will change as I embark the summer. But along with all of that stuff today I went to put new memories into my memory box, and I noticed my box was sort of full. So I went through it to realize that most of that box is filled with memories of my past relationship. My ex and I had been talking earlier this school year and we were working on just having a civil friendship and getting past our past. However, a little while ago all contact was cut of at his end with no explanation and I was just sort of like....okay. So I was praying about it and I just kept thinking you know this person was in my life at a certain time for a certain reason and now that time is past, so now is the time that I need to move past it. So today I literally threw away this person. I am not going to lie-it was an amazing feeling. After pain and brokenness for a few years I knew that I was totally fine with getting rid of all of it. So I ripped, shredded, and cut up everything. I filled the trash can in my room. (look at the picture) doing that, along with taking this person off of my phone, my instant message, and just being gone has helped so much. I am so glad it is all gone so I can go on with other things.

Not so sure I am ready...

You know how staples has the easy button? I want the give up button. I have learned that I am the type of person who can take a lot in, but then struggles to deal with all of it. There have been some changes going on at home that were well unexpected and unspoken of. I have a hard time walking into problems, a really hard time because I would rather give up. Also leaving school yesterday was no easy task, it seems like when you reach the end of something everything has to come to surface. I am thankful that God has blessed me with the ability to make people feel comfortable around me, and trust me, but it is not an easy thing to carry with you. I try my hardest to be a selfless person, but I can take that to the extreme and not take care of myself. But when you take care of everyone else. it is a real challenge to manage yourself as well. I have always been the type of person who feels awful when I tell people what I am struggling with, or what is bothering me because I feel like I am being an unwanted or needed burden. So I keep it to myself and continue to skip along with life.



So this summer I felt called to work at a summer camp. In all seriousness I have no clue why. I have never gone to camp and never worked at a camp. That just really isn't my style, I mean come on I worked at a tanning salon forever, and that was like a perfect job for me. So obviously God has something planned, but I have not a stinkin clue. Right now I really don't feel like I am a strong enough person for the job. I don't even feel like I am a strong enough person for life at this point. I think it is because I feel so scatter brained, and so scattered in my heart. My life is so busy right now in every area, I mean I even forgot that my birthday was next week...how sad. And not only do I feel unprepared for this summer, I don't want to have my head in the wrong world so to speak. I have been trusting in God to put my brain and heart in the right place so that it is honoring Him and His plan, but also to save my heart, which is still stretched quite thin. Trusting and having faith are two of the hardest things.



Not only am I worried about this summer and what is going to happen, but also about next fall. I just feel like I can hardly see in front of me. Like I am just looking through a small hole in the wall of what is going to happen, as if I have lost control. And if you know me, I don't like not being in control...at all. I have a lot of different pressures riding on me for the fall from all over the map, and it makes me really worried that I am going to push out or away something that I shouldn't. So I guess today is one of those days where I wish I was in elementary school, and the only worry on my mind is what we are having for dinner and if I can stay up late. Oh man, what a life that would be...

As the wind blows over the plains

Everyone here at Spring Arbor keeps talking about God's timing. Something that none of us can really explain, and have no control over. However, everyday we wish we did and try to think that we do. It could be small things like walking into the DC at the right time for dinner, so that you end up sitting with your friend and have a great conversation. Or having you go to the right school and do the right things to meet the right people. We all love to look back at times and go "okay God, I understand that now, thanks!" But when you are waiting for that moment to come, it seems like it is so far away that God will have to move heaven and earth for you to get there. I think that is a good way to sum up what a lot of people have been feeling that I have been talking to.

Along with this timing scenario, my friend Nicole and I have had the opportunity to have more of our serious life chats. With her roommate, and mine occupying their time with their male companions, we always hang out with each other when they're gone. (Even though Nicole has her boyfriend, I appreciate that she spends the time with me) The other night she was helping my with my packing and we were talking about what a weird time in your life college is. The fact that you are somewhat in limbo, you are no longer really under the control of mom and dad, but you don't have control over everything. Then we got to talking about how this year of course has gone by fast, and that only have 3 years left is really nothing in the big picture. And when those 3 years are up who knows whats going to happen and there will come a point when someone depends on you. That one really kicked us in the pants. We were talking about how it seems like our parents know everything. Like I call my Mom about pretty much everything- if I don't know how to do something mom does. If something breaks, money comes short, how to fix something Dad takes care of it. Time and time again. My parents have given me a wonderful lifestyle, which I am sure will catch up with me. They do SO much for me, and now I have started to take advantage of it = ) BUT Nicole and I were wondering how in the world are we going to become that knowledgeable and useful? Life knowledge doesn't come in a small package along with our degrees. What happens when we have children of their own and we are their source for everything...eekers. So we decided we are glad to have this time to sort of learn and float through life.

To wrap this up, I am SO nervous about this summer. I called SpringHill Monday to make sure they received my contract and 8 other sheets of random information that they needed to have. I have never done the whole summer camp scenario and I have never been gone my entire summer working, especially somewhere that I have never been. Thats how I know this is a calling from God. I am not the type of person to seek out big things that I have never done before. Thats why I was so surprised when I got a full summer job, EXACTLY where I wanted it. That's how I knew this whole scenario was God, it's not just luck. But the fact that I have 2 1/2 weeks at home is a little eerie to me. This weekend when my parents, sister, grandma, aunt, uncle and counsins came down for mothers day I got really upset that I didn't get to go home with them. I miss being at home, I love to spend time with my parents because they are my best friends. I love to spend time with my sister because very soon I know she won't be as close anymore, and that is weird. AND don't forget my FAVORITE thing about home, G-Unit. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my dog. If you don't have a dog, and one like Gary, you don't understand. I am sure you think I am stupid to love a black lab who just sits in my house. But he is more than that, he reminds me of God oddly enough.